Floyd

I remember the first time I saw him. He was sitting under the tent I was convincing myself to walk towards. I didn't know he was there from a distance, it wasn't until I was much closer before I realized. He was wearing blue jeans with a loose white shirt and his cane resting gently beside his chair. His face weathered from the years and eyes that pierced your soul. His long black hair was pulled back neatly in a ponytail, the gray around his ears poking out from under his cowboy hat. There were alot of people gathered under the tent to listen to him and even more had pulled up their chairs around the edges of the tent to hear him speak. I was alone so I was able to squeeze in the corner, leaning against the post of the tent to get a better look. He smiled at me and motioned to a place on the ground by his chair. This is what I was here for, I followed his direction and sat. I had no intention of talking, I only wanted to listen. I didn't really care what he was talking about as long as he would just allow me to listen. I was lost, he was not, I wanted to learn not to be.
He said alot of things that day that I let sink in, some of which I had to chew on for awhile before I could digest it. I remember he was talking to the group of people who had gathered around him. There was a woman discussing a problem with him that seemed to consume her. He listened to her tell her story and only had a simple reply: "The one thing nobody can take from you is your spirit, because you cant take what you cant see." It was a simple answer and if you weren't paying attention it might not have made sense, but it did.
As the evening moved along people mingled and moved away from the tent. I never left my spot, I didn't want to miss anything he might have to say. There were only a few of us left under the tent with him and the conversation seemed to have silenced. I was mulling all I had heard him say when he turned to me and said "Tell me your story." I was confused, which story did he want? I had many. What was I going to say to this man? So I told him my story was complicated and that I wasn't sure at what point it began. He just laughed and said "It began in the beginning of course. I am an old man and I have plenty of time left, I'm sure your story wont take up what I have left. So tell it to me."
So I did. I knew as it was coming out it didn't seem to make any sense. I was jumping back and forth between situations. He didn't seem to mind and seemed to be able to follow along. I told him a story about people, love, betrayal, pain, loss and confusion. He was kind and understanding and he listened to me. When I was finished he said to me "Why do you allow people to use your own mind against you? It is your mind, not theirs." I wasn't sure what he meant by this at the time, but I got it later. He said to me "I teach forgiveness. You must take responsibility for what you have done and then you must forgive." My chin hit the ground. Take responsibility?! What the fuck? The only responsibility I had was in trusting people. I was so confused. I guess he could tell because he just patted my shoulder and said "It's time to sweat." I followed him, confused and angry.
The preparations had been made and there were a few more to do. We all stood and watched as he ritually prepared the lodge as well as us for the experience. Once inside, we had all been given the herbs and the stones were being brought in. The heat was building inside and the smoke filled my lungs. I closed my eyes trying to concentrate on what he was saying but my mind was wandering to our conversation before. I couldn't understand, was he not the man I thought him to be? Was he just cruel? He was talking to the Great Spirit, asking for things. I could hear him in the background asking for things like peace, forgiveness, love. He would tell a story about the sweat and how it came to the Lakota. I tried so hard to concentrate, I wanted to hear what he had to say. But the only thing that kept ringing in my head was "You have to take responsibility for what you have done." At one point it became very difficult to breathe so I placed my towel over my head and concentrated on his words. I worked to clear my hazed mind and focus on his words. Just listen to the words and the order in which they come out.
When the sweat was over we thanked our ancestors and the great spirit and we left the lodge. I felt lighter, as if a weight had been lifted from me. Although I did not know what the weight was.
Later in the evening I saw him again. He was eating the meal we all shared together. He motioned for me to come sit with him. I was not eating, I was still confused and didn't feel hungry. He split his bread in half and handed it to me. I shook my head explaining I wasn't hungry but thanked him all the same. He told me it was rude to not accept an offered gift and still had his hand out holding the bread. Defeated once again, I accepted the bread. We talked for awhile about the sweat, the night air, many things. He then asked me if I had found my responsibility. I told him no. He smiled and said to me "Why would you leave that which is most precious to you in the care of someone whom the Great Spirit hasn't deemed time for them to be granted with something so precious? Do you think yourself smarter than he? Do you think his plan is wrong?" You could have hit me with a Mac truck and it wouldn't have hit harder than what he just said. I was defensive "All I did was trust. I needed help and I thought I could trust." He responded "There is nothing wrong with trusting. But when our trust is given without being earned we must take responsibility for the consequences. There lies your responsibility. You are not to blame for what happened, only for your trust. And you must forgive, your anger only eats away at your spirit so you can not see clearly." I told him I didn't think I was going to be able to forgive for something so horrendous. He then informed me that forgiveness did not go hand in hand with amnesia. He said "Forgive so you may heal. Forgive but do not forget so the mistake wont be made again."
I got it, I understood. I forgave and I healed.