I have said for a long time that Mother Nature has a sick sense of humor. It is only recently I have discovered the whole damn universe is getting its kicks at my expense. As if Mother Nature's little jokes aren't enough. You know what it is I am talking about....Age
As we get older Mother Nature finds it humorous to "adjust" body parts, putting them in locations they have never been before. Then the medical community jumps on the band wagon and decides to see just how many orifices they can probe the older you get. No, they do not stop there. They take the body parts Mother Nature has repositioned and stretch them, pull them, smash them. Yes, they are now elastic.
As a woman I am accustomed to the medical community reeking havoc on my body to see how much it can take before cracking. Hell, childbirth alone requires procedures that no human should have to experience while already having that much natural pain. One word for you...Enema.
It creates shudders around the world.
My husband on the other hand hasn't had the pleasure of the medical community probes...Until now. Reaching the age where they gently ease you into the exams they will be continuously performing until you die, it has begun.
This story really isn't about his "procedure", more so the conversation that occurred with our daughter the night before.
I had to call her and confirm that she didn't have to work in the morning seen as I had to bring my husband to the hospital by 5:30am and we still have a 8 yr old to take care of. She confirmed she would be here to watch him and asked if her dad was ok....
Me: "Daddy's fine, its a routine procedure to make sure everything is ok"
Her: "Why wouldn't everything be ok?"
Me: "Well, as you get older they start doing all kinds of tests just to be sure."
Her: "What are they doing?"
Me: "It's called a colonoscopy."
Her: "I thought you only had that if there was a problem."
Me: "Nope, they also do it for preventive measures."
Her: "Mom, if this is for E.D. you can tell me. I'm just worried and need to know if something is wrong."
Me: "Nothing is wrong baby, promise. E.D.?"
Her: "Is that what it is? E.D.? You can tell me if it is."
Me: "E.D.? What is Ed?"
Her: "Not Ed mom, E.D. You know..."
Me: "No, I don't"
Her: "Erectile Dysfunction"
Me: "OH MY GOD!!! You did not just ask me that. No, your father is not having problems in that area. It's looking at his colon, his butt not his front!"
At this point my husband is hearing only my side of the conversation and is appalled. He is yelling "We are not having a conversation about my penis with our daughter!! Hell, I'm not that old yet anyway!" He is attempting to leave the room but is continuously drawn back which results in him pacing back and forth from the kitchen. I am laughing so hard there are tears.
I have decided my daughter watches to much television seen as this is where she seems to have learned the term. She is also aware of several forms of medication to correct that problem. What the hell are they putting on TV these days anyway??!!
The point of this story? Do not jump on the bandwagon with the rest of the universe and make fun of your parents as they are getting old. You too will have these experiences.
December 28, 2005
December 24, 2005
To cute, Had to share it
Mom's Letter To Santa
Dear Santa,
I've been a good Mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor.
I sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids. I'll take them in any color, except purple, which I already have. I would also like arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.
And please don't forget the Play-Doh Travel Pack, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-laws' house seem just like mine.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
Oh, and If you don't mind...
I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours Always...Mom.
P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in you.
Dear Santa,
I've been a good Mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor.
I sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids. I'll take them in any color, except purple, which I already have. I would also like arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.
And please don't forget the Play-Doh Travel Pack, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-laws' house seem just like mine.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
Oh, and If you don't mind...
I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours Always...Mom.
P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in you.
December 21, 2005
Almost There
OK I have tried but my remote seems to be broken. Could someone please hit the pause button?! I am soooo not ready for this holiday yet. I have 20 people coming for dinner and haven't even started on the house, have to order the table and chairs, haven't started cooking (well some baking is done) and still have x-mas shopping to do. There is no way I have enough time. Why am I so late this year? Well, because I am (at the moment anyway) the best mom in the world. Hey, I have to eat this up when I get it, it doesn't happen often. Our daughter received her x-mas gift from us a week early this year. We bought her a car. Not only is it a car but it is bad ass! Not an old car, a newer one, fully loaded, leather interior, moon roof, 5 disk CD changer. Yes, I am the greatest. That wasn't originally what we had in mind when we decided to get her a car but I got such an unbelievable deal on it I couldn't turn it down. Plus I get to maintain the greatest mom in the world title for at least a couple of weeks. So I think that I should have the authority to put off the holiday a day or two. Seen as that attempt isn't working, if someone could hit pause for me I would appreciate it!
December 17, 2005
The lesson
The cats have out done themselves. This truly takes the cake. Being the majority in my house they even have the dog trained. Being the stupid human that I am, I always assumed there was some sense of family or pack mentality amongst them. With the dog protecting the cats from other animals and the cats snuggling on the dogs bed with her. It wasn't until the other day that I realized what is truly going on.
One of our cats, Valkyrie, caught a mouse. It was her first catch so she wasn't really sure what to do with it. She played taxi to the mouse for a little while carting it room to room, then did the usual let it go to catch it again. The other cats were paying very close attention to this game. I only have one mouser in my house and he has self retired from the business so this is all new to the rest of them. One of the other cats, Anubis, happened to get lucky on one of
Valkyrie's releases and was able to steal the mouse from her. He then followed
her lead and taxied it room to room for a little while before playing the "let it go and catch it again" game. Once again the other cats are watching.....But so is the dog, Megan.
Megan decides to get up and see what was going on, atleast that's what I thought she was doing. Little did I know she wanted her turn. She followed the cats around and the next thing I know, on one of the cats releases, she grabs the mouse. She carries the mouse room to room and then releases it to catch it again. The end result? The dog killed the mouse with her paws, trying to play with it. As strange as this is it doesn't seem to be a one time deal.
Last night as hubby and I were preparing for bed, Megan brought us another one. It seems I have another mouser, a 75 pound mouser.
The cats? Well, they are continuing to lounge their fat little selves around the house while the dog does all the leg work.
One of our cats, Valkyrie, caught a mouse. It was her first catch so she wasn't really sure what to do with it. She played taxi to the mouse for a little while carting it room to room, then did the usual let it go to catch it again. The other cats were paying very close attention to this game. I only have one mouser in my house and he has self retired from the business so this is all new to the rest of them. One of the other cats, Anubis, happened to get lucky on one of
Valkyrie's releases and was able to steal the mouse from her. He then followed
her lead and taxied it room to room for a little while before playing the "let it go and catch it again" game. Once again the other cats are watching.....But so is the dog, Megan.
Megan decides to get up and see what was going on, atleast that's what I thought she was doing. Little did I know she wanted her turn. She followed the cats around and the next thing I know, on one of the cats releases, she grabs the mouse. She carries the mouse room to room and then releases it to catch it again. The end result? The dog killed the mouse with her paws, trying to play with it. As strange as this is it doesn't seem to be a one time deal.
Last night as hubby and I were preparing for bed, Megan brought us another one. It seems I have another mouser, a 75 pound mouser.
The cats? Well, they are continuing to lounge their fat little selves around the house while the dog does all the leg work.
December 10, 2005
Eye Opener
When all of the information became available regarding my daughters accident it was quite an eye opener. I was shocked and appalled to say the least. I had no idea how many rights have been taken away from the worker and how many laws employers are allowed to break, at the risk of their employees' safety, without repercussion. In my frustration I began to talk to people and found that I was not the only one shocked. I figured I would share my findings with you.
My daughter was burned on her face, neck, chest, both arms, both hands and fingers. She has 1st through 3rd degree burns. This accident was caused because she was using faulty equipment, the company knew the equipment was faulty and refused to replace it. They didn't want to spend the money. When the accident happened there was no first aid kit in the store. The company also was aware of this, the store manager had offered to purchase one with her own money and the headquarters told her no it wasn't a priority. There was also no cold running water due to a problem with the pipes that had been ongoing for months. Headquarters didn't feel this was a priority either.
Now, perhaps these issues could be more understandable if this was a small company who was working to fix all of these codes violations and just didn't have the money to have it all taken care of yet. It's not. This is a major fast food chain that most of us have visited many times in our lives. The major age group working in this facility is under the age of 20. Our children work there as their first jobs in high school.
Do you know there is nothing I can do to make them follow the law and have those things fixed? Even though each one of those issues is a violation of the law. Due to a law that was passed protecting corporations who have a workmans compensation carrier they can not be prosecuted even if they are breaking the law and causing unnecessary injuries to their employees.
It is important that you understand I had absolutely no interest what so ever in pursuing a law suit when this injury happened. I only wanted to make sure that my daughter was taken care of. It wasn't until I found out that even after this accident happened they had a 16 year old employee rig the piece of equipment that broke and caused my daughters injuries back together and continue to use it. None of the codes violations have been corrected and they are continuing to put the rest of the children employed there at risk of serious injury. It was then that I contacted an attorney and asked how I can make them follow the law. It was then that I was informed I cant. I was informed this by several attorneys. There is nothing we can do to make them follow the law, there is nothing we can do to make them keep these children safe from unnecessary injury. Due to this wonderful law that was passed to protect them they are, for the most part, exempt from following the law themselves.
What a wonderful world we live in.
My daughter was burned on her face, neck, chest, both arms, both hands and fingers. She has 1st through 3rd degree burns. This accident was caused because she was using faulty equipment, the company knew the equipment was faulty and refused to replace it. They didn't want to spend the money. When the accident happened there was no first aid kit in the store. The company also was aware of this, the store manager had offered to purchase one with her own money and the headquarters told her no it wasn't a priority. There was also no cold running water due to a problem with the pipes that had been ongoing for months. Headquarters didn't feel this was a priority either.
Now, perhaps these issues could be more understandable if this was a small company who was working to fix all of these codes violations and just didn't have the money to have it all taken care of yet. It's not. This is a major fast food chain that most of us have visited many times in our lives. The major age group working in this facility is under the age of 20. Our children work there as their first jobs in high school.
Do you know there is nothing I can do to make them follow the law and have those things fixed? Even though each one of those issues is a violation of the law. Due to a law that was passed protecting corporations who have a workmans compensation carrier they can not be prosecuted even if they are breaking the law and causing unnecessary injuries to their employees.
It is important that you understand I had absolutely no interest what so ever in pursuing a law suit when this injury happened. I only wanted to make sure that my daughter was taken care of. It wasn't until I found out that even after this accident happened they had a 16 year old employee rig the piece of equipment that broke and caused my daughters injuries back together and continue to use it. None of the codes violations have been corrected and they are continuing to put the rest of the children employed there at risk of serious injury. It was then that I contacted an attorney and asked how I can make them follow the law. It was then that I was informed I cant. I was informed this by several attorneys. There is nothing we can do to make them follow the law, there is nothing we can do to make them keep these children safe from unnecessary injury. Due to this wonderful law that was passed to protect them they are, for the most part, exempt from following the law themselves.
What a wonderful world we live in.
December 09, 2005
Update
Most of you have probably thought I have up and left the world of blogging without even a good bye. Not true. I am temporarily detained with important things here in the real world. My daughter was involved in a work accident and has been burned pretty badly. I don't have much time to sit and write but I will do the best I can. I just wanted to update you and let you know I haven't left, I'm just really stretched for time.
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