Patience

Growing up I clearly remember my mother saying, on a regular basis, "patience is a virtue". For something that was supposed to be a virtue I don't ever remember feeling any good connotation regarding the remark. It was normally said when there was something I felt I just had to have, be it a material item or a situation resolution. This is not to say that whatever the situation I was being denied was not properly done so, just that the saying never seemed to be expressing a virtue as a positive thing. I don't ever remember wishing for this virtue nor do I remember feeling any remorse for my lack there of.

As I grew older, I reconciled myself with the thought that this was a virtue I never seemed to receive from the powers that be. I remember as I grew older, and my mouth more flexible, when my mother would pose her phrase to me, I would respond with, "and one I don't have". It seemed appropriate in my adolescent mind. It wasn't until I was well into comfortable womanhood that I decided my lack of this virtue wasn't such a bad thing. Once at a point in my life that I had begun to climb the mountain of self awareness and realized I liked the person looking back at me, I turned this negative trait into one I was able to view as a positive. I was fond of the fact that I had become a straight forward kind of person. Having no problem speaking my mind, handling any crisis situation, and the ability to nip any possible problems in the bud; my lack of patience seemed to leave behind a person I liked. I found that having a lack of patience enabled me to react appropriately in given situations immediately before things grew out of control without hesitation. Perhaps this trait isn't such a virtue after all. The adolescent Ravyn wanted to throw in a "so put that in your pipe and smoke it".

As time once again has passed and left epiphanies in its wake, as it always seems to do. I have come to realize that perhaps this issue of mine is a double edged sword. I still enjoy and take pride in the strong woman able to tackle any situation with a level head and clear mind, yet there seems to be a down side to this. I have found that my lack of patience doesn't just have an effect in situations that require immediate attention, it seems to rear its head in situations that require cool down time as well. Here is where I seem to have my trouble. For example, lets say we have had a disagreement that happens to be something I am absolutely passionate about. Now lets say you are a person extremely close to me and I feel so strongly about said subject that I find it almost dangerous that you can not see the potential disaster. Here, at a point where any common sense would tell you to take a time out, I have difficulty. My lack of patience makes it difficult for me to walk away from a situation I feel a sense of urgency to reconcile and wait until cooler heads prevail. Now don't get me wrong, my rational mind completely recognizes that there is no sense in continuing a conversation when emotions have carried the rational mind away. I just cant seem to let that rational mind lead the way. Instead, I battle for the elusive virtue I seem to have lived so long without.

So here I sit, baffled to maintain the traits I am fond of while gaining the virtue I continue to search for. So I ask you...How do you find a virtue you have never had? And once found, how do you balance the traits you have grown so fond of?