The vow of Silence

I tried! God knows I tried! I avoided conversation with him, hell I tried to avoid contact period. But damn it if he didn't cause me to lose it. It's not my fault though, you see my husband left me alone at the house with them to go get a bag of ice. Therefore it is my husbands fault hehehehhe
I had listened to all the insults he could throw at D (that's what we will call my friend) that I could stand. From things like....If I wanted to see a 60 yr old woman's body I would watch D get dressed (she's 30); she can talk when I say she can, so long as she listens to me all will be fine. Then of course the final one, the one that broke the camels back (remember hubby left me alone with them so its his fault).
D and I were in the kitchen having a conversation while I cooked dinner, ape boy (that's what we will call her boyfriend and I will explain later) was in the living room watching something stupid on TV. All of a sudden he yells in to her "I don't know what you just said but I'm sure I didn't like it".
"Well I guess it's good that this conversation was between her and I then, isn't it?" was my reply.
"Are you trying to say that it isn't any of my business?" he asked
"Wow, and I thought you were slow, good job catching that one." I responded
"Apparently you don't know how this works, everything about D is my business." he said
"Funny, that sounds a lot like her husband, look where that attitude got him." I said
At this point the phone rang, I couldn't have timed it better myself, it was D's estranged husband. I looked at the caller ID and said "Oh look, it's your twin now." and handed him the phone. When he had handed the phone of to D he turned back to our conversation.
"I am nothing like him, prime rib doesn't get tossed to the side." he said
"Oh now your prime rib. I bet you came up with that yourself because I have only spent 2 days with you and I would say your right down there with hot dogs. You do realize that hotdogs are the left over parts nobody wants? What I find even more fascinating though is that her husband thought the same and he was ranked in your category too." I continued to cook dinner
"I bet you just have a problem with the fact that I take control of things. I take care of everything. A man's job is to take the reigns with a woman or she will just cut his balls off." was his intelligent reply.
"Cut his balls off? Well if your prime rib why on earth would she do that? It seems to me that your hot dog may have a complex and your extremely insecure and perhaps that is why you find the need to overcompensate." I said
"I will admit I am a insecure person" The first intelligent thing out of his mouth
"Imagine that, and I have only known you a couple of days. How long you think it will take her to get tired of all the other ridiculous shit you spew? As far as I'm concerned you can continue to act like her husband. I don't like you anyway and that will only get you out the door quicker. So please, continue."
That was pretty much the end of the conversation and I have to say the rest of the evening was fairly pleasant. My husband even commented that he was tolerable later in the evening. Then I told him of the conversation that had transpired. He just laughed and said "I wondered how long you would hold up". Of course I told him it was his fault and he just laughed and said "of course it was." So see, he admitted it.
I have figured out what is wrong with ape boy though, it hit me last night. Have you ever watched one of those shows on the discovery channel about the evolution of man? You know how they show the different species? I think the one before us was Neanderthal. Well he looks like that, with the large jutted out forehead, really small eyes, jutted out chin and arms that are just disproportionately long. So, I figure the problem is that he didn't completely evolve. That has to be it.