Letting Go

I remember the first time I held her in my arms. I was just a child myself and she was so little. All of these emotions I had never felt swirling through my head. Everyone told me life was over for me, this was the end of my dreams. Looking in her eyes all I could think was "No, it has just begun." She made me want more, made me want to be better, I was going to give her the world. I knew I would die for her, I would do anything to keep her safe, the ferocity of my emotions was overwhelming.
There I was, my chin up, armed with nothing but what I knew I wasn't going to do. No idea how to do it right but knowing how it wasn't supposed to be done. I had never felt love like this, never unconditional, undieing love. I was determined and focused, I had reason for the first time in my life.
I have done a good job by her, I wasn't always perfect and there were a lot of trial and error but I did well. Yes, I am getting sappy. You see, my baby girl, my first born is almost grown. I'm not quite settled with that. She turned 16 in January and there are only 2 more years until she heads out to college and on her own. I'm not really sure how all the time has passed so quickly, it doesn't seem possible that she could be that far in life already. I was telling my husband I just didn't know what I was going to do when she heads out to college. It occurred to me that I have never lived with another human being for as long as I have lived with her. How do I cut that tie and walk away? How to let go, I suppose is a common situation when you are a parent. But when you are in the situation it just doesn't feel like anyone else could possibly be experiencing this too. It's just to personal.
This whole post wasn't brought about because I am worried about what will happen in 2 more years. It was actually something much more simple than that. She drove.
Sounds silly, right? Yesterday we took our baby girl out in the car and she drove a stick shift for the first time. We taught her how to drive. She did so well, I was very surprised. She only stalled and jerked once, after that she had it. It was exciting and fun, we giggled and laughed, she squealed like she did when she was 5. I thought "God, how is this possible?!". But I wasn't emotional.
That came later. Sitting on the sofa watching TV, my son was in the bath and daughter in her room. Just hubby and I chilling out watching TV. It hit me, I wasn't even sure what it was at the time, I just felt the tears. Nothing I could do, they just kept coming. When I realized what the mass of confusion inside me was all about I couldn't help but cry more. She is growing up, a wonderful and sad thing. A double edged sword.