We have another Birthday coming up, this time it is my youngest baby's day. I cant believe that after tomorrow all of my children will be in double digits. I tried to talk the child into skipping tomorrow but he was having none of it. I got his school pictures back yesterday, it doesn't even look like him. I have no clue who that kid is but it doesn't even resemble mine. That kid looks like he is only a couple months from pimples and hair on his butt. Mine is just a baby.
You know, i feel as if i am just giving and giving and not receiving a damn thing. We started the deodorant this year, i gave in even though i still think its retarded. Don't get me wrong, if he stunk i would be the first one at the store but he doesn't, he still smells like a little boy. So i gave on that. Then he had to have his own "bathroom space". I am the only female currently living in my home; doesn't that automatically resign any and all bathroom mirrors to me? I gave on that. Then there was the whole "i need some cologne because I'm a man and that's man stuff". I gave on that, OK so i also informed him that getting a job was man stuff, but i bought the damn cologne. The list just keeps growing.
My oldest is grown an gone, moved out, left her mom. Putting her face in commercials so now i have thousands more perverts to worry about. My youngest has one foot out the door. What is in this for me? Not extra kisses that's for sure.
I'm thinking mom needs a little extra snuggle time here.
November 06, 2007
November 02, 2007
Not so sweet 16
It was supposed to be a big day. Something you plan for, prep for, a mile marker in life. We should have been excited and a little nervous. I pictured us taking her to take the test, she was never one to let nerves get the best of her. More a "live in the moment" kinda girl. She would have been excited though, we all are on this day. Would she have passed? Would we be in the market for another new car? What kind would she have wanted? Would we have been able to get it for her?
It normally doesn't get to me like this. We bake a cake, share stories about her, sing her happy birthday. It is a little sad but we have accepted the loss. This year though, I'm not doing so good. It was supposed to be a big day.
She would have been 16 yesterday.
It hurts so bad
It normally doesn't get to me like this. We bake a cake, share stories about her, sing her happy birthday. It is a little sad but we have accepted the loss. This year though, I'm not doing so good. It was supposed to be a big day.
She would have been 16 yesterday.
It hurts so bad
August 10, 2007
Billy got it right
She's gotta do what she's gotta do
And i've gotta like it or not
She's got dreams to big for this town
Ande she's gotta give 'em a shot
Whatever they are
Looks like she's all ready to leave
Nothing left to pack
There ain't no room for me in that car
Even if she asked me to tag along
God i gotta be strong
She's at the startin' line of the rest of her life
As ready as she's ever been
Got the hunger and stars in her eyes
The prize is hers to win
She's waitin' on my blessings before she hits that open road
Baby get ready
Get set
Dont go
She says things are fallen into place
Feels like they're fallin apart
I painted this big ole smile on my face
To hide my broken heart
If only she knew
This is where i dont say what i want so bad to say
This is where i want to but i wont get in the way
Of her and her dreams
And spreadin' her wings
She's at the startin' line of the rest of her life
As ready as she's ever been
Got the hunger and stars in her eyes
The prize is hers to win
She's waitin' on my blessings before she hits that open road
Baby get ready
Get set
Please dont go
Dont go
Dont go
She's gotta do what shes gotta do
She's gotta do what shes gotta do
"Billy Ray Cyrus"
And i've gotta like it or not
She's got dreams to big for this town
Ande she's gotta give 'em a shot
Whatever they are
Looks like she's all ready to leave
Nothing left to pack
There ain't no room for me in that car
Even if she asked me to tag along
God i gotta be strong
She's at the startin' line of the rest of her life
As ready as she's ever been
Got the hunger and stars in her eyes
The prize is hers to win
She's waitin' on my blessings before she hits that open road
Baby get ready
Get set
Dont go
She says things are fallen into place
Feels like they're fallin apart
I painted this big ole smile on my face
To hide my broken heart
If only she knew
This is where i dont say what i want so bad to say
This is where i want to but i wont get in the way
Of her and her dreams
And spreadin' her wings
She's at the startin' line of the rest of her life
As ready as she's ever been
Got the hunger and stars in her eyes
The prize is hers to win
She's waitin' on my blessings before she hits that open road
Baby get ready
Get set
Please dont go
Dont go
Dont go
She's gotta do what shes gotta do
She's gotta do what shes gotta do
"Billy Ray Cyrus"
June 22, 2007
All Grown Up
In the past you may have read my entries of fear about being the parent of an adult child. I was terrified. I have to say, its not so bad. Our oldest is 18 and hasn't lived here for several months now. I was afraid I wouldn't cope well or be able to function but that just hasn't been the case. Actually, I kinda like it. Don't get me wrong, I still miss her but things have changed. Since she has moved out she has undergone a miraculous transition. She actually misses me too! I speak with her everyday at least once on the phone, because she has called me! She looks forward to coming to visit and wants to spend time with me. I guess I'm not so retarded after all.
Moving out on her own has brought new realizations for her. Things like, food is expensive and $200 is not a realistic price for a dress. She calls me the other night and asks what I'm having for dinner so I tell her. There is silence for a moment on the other end of the phone and I ask if she is OK. She says "Yeah, I'm just remembering the taste of that. No matter how hard I try I cant get these pretzels to taste like that." I ask if the pretzels are her dinner and she confirms that they are. I cant help but stifle a giggle remembering the days of that age where we lived off of ramen noodles and popcorn. When I ask her if she needs money she says no. She has grown to be quite independent.
It still amazes me sometimes, this is the same child who would $20 me to death. The same child who thought I was a horrible parent for not buying $25 steaks on a regular basis, the very same child who thought $100 was not an outrageous amount for me to spend for her to have a designer pair of tennis shoes every 3 months. She tells me about how she saved money here and budgeted there. I guess maybe she did learn something. I watch her in how she conducts her life and cant help but be proud. She goes to work and gives her all, studies hard in school and makes time for her friends. She has really grown up to be an amazing young woman and somehow, somewhere I played a part in that.
Moving out on her own has brought new realizations for her. Things like, food is expensive and $200 is not a realistic price for a dress. She calls me the other night and asks what I'm having for dinner so I tell her. There is silence for a moment on the other end of the phone and I ask if she is OK. She says "Yeah, I'm just remembering the taste of that. No matter how hard I try I cant get these pretzels to taste like that." I ask if the pretzels are her dinner and she confirms that they are. I cant help but stifle a giggle remembering the days of that age where we lived off of ramen noodles and popcorn. When I ask her if she needs money she says no. She has grown to be quite independent.
It still amazes me sometimes, this is the same child who would $20 me to death. The same child who thought I was a horrible parent for not buying $25 steaks on a regular basis, the very same child who thought $100 was not an outrageous amount for me to spend for her to have a designer pair of tennis shoes every 3 months. She tells me about how she saved money here and budgeted there. I guess maybe she did learn something. I watch her in how she conducts her life and cant help but be proud. She goes to work and gives her all, studies hard in school and makes time for her friends. She has really grown up to be an amazing young woman and somehow, somewhere I played a part in that.
June 19, 2007
A New Experience
Life is about the experience. At least that's the thought that creeps into your mind when you get to my age. The experiences you have are what shape you as a person. I happen to like who i am as a person and tend to enjoy the ride my experiences have brought to me thus far. Of course, there are some I'm not real fond of but over all i don't guess i can complain. There was one thing i had wanted to experience for quite some time, yet being a chicken shit i always talked myself out of it. I would think "I really want to do this." then think some more to conclude "Nah, maybe not." Last Saturday night i decided, what the hell. I'm not going to think about it, I'm just going to go. No, I'm not talking about anything as extreme as sky diving. It's actually pretty common, but it involves something I'm not real fond of....Needles. Yes, a woman who has given birth 3 times fears something as silly as a needle.
So as we arrive at the location and i pick out what it is i want, my stomach starts turning. I know if i can get in the room and get started i wont stop, we are not going to have me partially marked here, I'm way to hard headed for that. They introduce me to who will be doing the artwork and all i can do is chuckle to myself. He cant be much older than my own child. Is his attention span even long enough to focus on this task? 15 years ago i probably would have batted my eyes thinking he is absolutely precious, now all i can do is close my eyes and hope his fine motor skills are fully formed.
There i sit on an arm rest, my feet planted firmly in a chair, pants undone, bent over holding my knees. The young man in charge of my experience was precious and tried making jokes to ease my tension.
"So, I'm going to be your first, huh?" He says. I'm thinking that probably happened around the time you were born, of course i keep that thought to myself. He is in charge of the needle you know.
"Yes, i suppose you are. Be gentle." See, i can joke back. Even though this conversation seems very odd considering I'm thinking he is almost close enough in age to have come from my body. I'm finding myself having to hold back asking the questions you would ask your kid. Things like "Did you use soap?", "Don't forget your ears. Did you wash them?"
Thank God that about the time he complemented my underwear he stuck that damn needle in my back. I couldn't do anything more than hold my breath. It wasn't really that bad but the idea of that needle chugging along my back made me nervous as hell. Not to mention i wasn't sure of his attention span and didn't want to offer any distraction. It wasn't until he hit my tailbone i began to think this was probably the dumbest idea i have had in a long time. Now i am not going to lie to you people, it hurt like hell. Was it as bad as giving birth? No! But it was not comfortable. It was less than an hour when he informed me we were all done. I'm thinking, "Oh, shit. He has forgotten some. I knew he was to young to focus for any length of time." I look in the mirror to confirm my suspicion. Nope, he got it all and damn if it doesn't look good. I could hug this kid.
I'm feeling pretty proud of myself when I walk out of there. So I do what any grown woman of my age would do.
I call my mom. (giggle)
So as we arrive at the location and i pick out what it is i want, my stomach starts turning. I know if i can get in the room and get started i wont stop, we are not going to have me partially marked here, I'm way to hard headed for that. They introduce me to who will be doing the artwork and all i can do is chuckle to myself. He cant be much older than my own child. Is his attention span even long enough to focus on this task? 15 years ago i probably would have batted my eyes thinking he is absolutely precious, now all i can do is close my eyes and hope his fine motor skills are fully formed.
There i sit on an arm rest, my feet planted firmly in a chair, pants undone, bent over holding my knees. The young man in charge of my experience was precious and tried making jokes to ease my tension.
"So, I'm going to be your first, huh?" He says. I'm thinking that probably happened around the time you were born, of course i keep that thought to myself. He is in charge of the needle you know.
"Yes, i suppose you are. Be gentle." See, i can joke back. Even though this conversation seems very odd considering I'm thinking he is almost close enough in age to have come from my body. I'm finding myself having to hold back asking the questions you would ask your kid. Things like "Did you use soap?", "Don't forget your ears. Did you wash them?"
Thank God that about the time he complemented my underwear he stuck that damn needle in my back. I couldn't do anything more than hold my breath. It wasn't really that bad but the idea of that needle chugging along my back made me nervous as hell. Not to mention i wasn't sure of his attention span and didn't want to offer any distraction. It wasn't until he hit my tailbone i began to think this was probably the dumbest idea i have had in a long time. Now i am not going to lie to you people, it hurt like hell. Was it as bad as giving birth? No! But it was not comfortable. It was less than an hour when he informed me we were all done. I'm thinking, "Oh, shit. He has forgotten some. I knew he was to young to focus for any length of time." I look in the mirror to confirm my suspicion. Nope, he got it all and damn if it doesn't look good. I could hug this kid.
I'm feeling pretty proud of myself when I walk out of there. So I do what any grown woman of my age would do.
I call my mom. (giggle)
February 18, 2007
Patience
Growing up I clearly remember my mother saying, on a regular basis, "patience is a virtue". For something that was supposed to be a virtue I don't ever remember feeling any good connotation regarding the remark. It was normally said when there was something I felt I just had to have, be it a material item or a situation resolution. This is not to say that whatever the situation I was being denied was not properly done so, just that the saying never seemed to be expressing a virtue as a positive thing. I don't ever remember wishing for this virtue nor do I remember feeling any remorse for my lack there of.
As I grew older, I reconciled myself with the thought that this was a virtue I never seemed to receive from the powers that be. I remember as I grew older, and my mouth more flexible, when my mother would pose her phrase to me, I would respond with, "and one I don't have". It seemed appropriate in my adolescent mind. It wasn't until I was well into comfortable womanhood that I decided my lack of this virtue wasn't such a bad thing. Once at a point in my life that I had begun to climb the mountain of self awareness and realized I liked the person looking back at me, I turned this negative trait into one I was able to view as a positive. I was fond of the fact that I had become a straight forward kind of person. Having no problem speaking my mind, handling any crisis situation, and the ability to nip any possible problems in the bud; my lack of patience seemed to leave behind a person I liked. I found that having a lack of patience enabled me to react appropriately in given situations immediately before things grew out of control without hesitation. Perhaps this trait isn't such a virtue after all. The adolescent Ravyn wanted to throw in a "so put that in your pipe and smoke it".
As time once again has passed and left epiphanies in its wake, as it always seems to do. I have come to realize that perhaps this issue of mine is a double edged sword. I still enjoy and take pride in the strong woman able to tackle any situation with a level head and clear mind, yet there seems to be a down side to this. I have found that my lack of patience doesn't just have an effect in situations that require immediate attention, it seems to rear its head in situations that require cool down time as well. Here is where I seem to have my trouble. For example, lets say we have had a disagreement that happens to be something I am absolutely passionate about. Now lets say you are a person extremely close to me and I feel so strongly about said subject that I find it almost dangerous that you can not see the potential disaster. Here, at a point where any common sense would tell you to take a time out, I have difficulty. My lack of patience makes it difficult for me to walk away from a situation I feel a sense of urgency to reconcile and wait until cooler heads prevail. Now don't get me wrong, my rational mind completely recognizes that there is no sense in continuing a conversation when emotions have carried the rational mind away. I just cant seem to let that rational mind lead the way. Instead, I battle for the elusive virtue I seem to have lived so long without.
So here I sit, baffled to maintain the traits I am fond of while gaining the virtue I continue to search for. So I ask you...How do you find a virtue you have never had? And once found, how do you balance the traits you have grown so fond of?
As I grew older, I reconciled myself with the thought that this was a virtue I never seemed to receive from the powers that be. I remember as I grew older, and my mouth more flexible, when my mother would pose her phrase to me, I would respond with, "and one I don't have". It seemed appropriate in my adolescent mind. It wasn't until I was well into comfortable womanhood that I decided my lack of this virtue wasn't such a bad thing. Once at a point in my life that I had begun to climb the mountain of self awareness and realized I liked the person looking back at me, I turned this negative trait into one I was able to view as a positive. I was fond of the fact that I had become a straight forward kind of person. Having no problem speaking my mind, handling any crisis situation, and the ability to nip any possible problems in the bud; my lack of patience seemed to leave behind a person I liked. I found that having a lack of patience enabled me to react appropriately in given situations immediately before things grew out of control without hesitation. Perhaps this trait isn't such a virtue after all. The adolescent Ravyn wanted to throw in a "so put that in your pipe and smoke it".
As time once again has passed and left epiphanies in its wake, as it always seems to do. I have come to realize that perhaps this issue of mine is a double edged sword. I still enjoy and take pride in the strong woman able to tackle any situation with a level head and clear mind, yet there seems to be a down side to this. I have found that my lack of patience doesn't just have an effect in situations that require immediate attention, it seems to rear its head in situations that require cool down time as well. Here is where I seem to have my trouble. For example, lets say we have had a disagreement that happens to be something I am absolutely passionate about. Now lets say you are a person extremely close to me and I feel so strongly about said subject that I find it almost dangerous that you can not see the potential disaster. Here, at a point where any common sense would tell you to take a time out, I have difficulty. My lack of patience makes it difficult for me to walk away from a situation I feel a sense of urgency to reconcile and wait until cooler heads prevail. Now don't get me wrong, my rational mind completely recognizes that there is no sense in continuing a conversation when emotions have carried the rational mind away. I just cant seem to let that rational mind lead the way. Instead, I battle for the elusive virtue I seem to have lived so long without.
So here I sit, baffled to maintain the traits I am fond of while gaining the virtue I continue to search for. So I ask you...How do you find a virtue you have never had? And once found, how do you balance the traits you have grown so fond of?
January 28, 2007
Tagged!
I hate these things, truly i do. The only reason i am doing this is because my former best good friend, Justice, has tagged me. I have a feeling she just will not let this rest until i do it. OK Justice, it is done!
A - Available or Single? Umm what is the difference in that choice? I pick neither.
B - Best Friend? S is the initial and that's all your getting.
C - Cake or Pie? Hmmm depends on the cake or pie. Is it smothered in chocolate or caramel? Whichever is will win
D - Drink of Choice? Probably Iced Tea
E - Essential Item? Car Keys, i tend to lose them regularly
F - Favorite Color? Purple
G - Gummi Bears or Worms? If i have to pick one, worms. But can i just have chocolate or caramel?
H - Hometown? Virginia Beach
I - Indulgence? Chocolate or caramel...I'm feeling a trend here.
J - January or February? Ewww in Costa Rica maybe. Lets try June, July or August.
K - Kids and Names? Kids yup but their names are mine and mine alone
L - Life is incomplete without? Self honesty
M - Marriage Date? May 15 a long long time ago
N - Number of Siblings? 5
O - Oranges or Apples? Can i pick melon?
P - Phobias or Fears? Stupid people, they scare me i cant help it.
Q - Favorite Quote? "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Emerson
R - Reason to smile? Waking up
S - Season? Spring or summer
T - Tag 3 people? nope not gonna do it
U - Unknown fact about me? I secretly lust after Johnny Depp. Well its unknown to him, damn it!
V - Vegetable you hate? Collard greens
W - Worst Habit? Smoking....or not writing in my blog lately
X - X-Rays you've had? There is no way i can remember them all
Y - Your favorite food? Caramel or Chocolate hehehe
Z - Zodiac? Sagittarius
A - Available or Single? Umm what is the difference in that choice? I pick neither.
B - Best Friend? S is the initial and that's all your getting.
C - Cake or Pie? Hmmm depends on the cake or pie. Is it smothered in chocolate or caramel? Whichever is will win
D - Drink of Choice? Probably Iced Tea
E - Essential Item? Car Keys, i tend to lose them regularly
F - Favorite Color? Purple
G - Gummi Bears or Worms? If i have to pick one, worms. But can i just have chocolate or caramel?
H - Hometown? Virginia Beach
I - Indulgence? Chocolate or caramel...I'm feeling a trend here.
J - January or February? Ewww in Costa Rica maybe. Lets try June, July or August.
K - Kids and Names? Kids yup but their names are mine and mine alone
L - Life is incomplete without? Self honesty
M - Marriage Date? May 15 a long long time ago
N - Number of Siblings? 5
O - Oranges or Apples? Can i pick melon?
P - Phobias or Fears? Stupid people, they scare me i cant help it.
Q - Favorite Quote? "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Emerson
R - Reason to smile? Waking up
S - Season? Spring or summer
T - Tag 3 people? nope not gonna do it
U - Unknown fact about me? I secretly lust after Johnny Depp. Well its unknown to him, damn it!
V - Vegetable you hate? Collard greens
W - Worst Habit? Smoking....or not writing in my blog lately
X - X-Rays you've had? There is no way i can remember them all
Y - Your favorite food? Caramel or Chocolate hehehe
Z - Zodiac? Sagittarius
November 05, 2006
Vote or not to Vote
Voting time is upon us once again. I remember my grandmother saying "voting is the most important thing you can do as a citizen". To be honest with you, it isn't something I jump up and down looking forward to. I don't feel a great sense of pride that I have done something important. Actually, by the time the big day arrives I feel a bit beat up and bullied. There is almost a sense of relief that it is finally over. I no longer have to be bombarded with attack ads everywhere I turn. I know the "experts" say people hate them but they work so they wont be going away. It was this my husband and I were discussing the other night that brought me to this post. I was explaining to him that I understood they have to show you all the bad points of their opponent but it has gotten to the point that nobody talks about what they want to do for you and why they think they are qualified to do it. They spend millions of dollars to slaughter their opponent in ads. Millions....Think about that. Mayberry here happens to located in one of what they are calling the "deciding states" so we are bombarded with them. The news report last week announced that according to financial reports one of the candidates has spent 14 million dollars on advertising while the other has only spent 11 million. Why would any sane person spend 11 - 14 million dollars to obtain a job that only pays around 250,00? There's a reason, think about it.
It occurred to me the other night with all the slaughter ads bombarding me that they are only trying to prove to us that they are the better person to vote on our behalf. They want to represent our opinions and needs, look how bad the other guy voted, he doesn't care about you but I do. Blah blah blah. I am so tired of the "look how he voted in the past" crap. Really, when it all comes down to it, can we blame them for their past voting behavior? Hear me out...These people who are voting on our behalf, caring for our needs; are they really to blame for their votes? I ask this because when was the last time anyone asked what it is we wanted anyway? When did we really have a say? Congress and Senate meet regularly to vote on laws for our country but do we have any say in those laws? Not really. Why is that? There isn't a person in this country who doesn't believe to some extent that politicians are crooked. You have tons and tons of lobbyist who are doing everything they can to get their issues through. You have laws repeatedly piggybacked that the public hears nothing about. Why do the few who are rarely affected by the laws they pass (rich) get to decide the fate of the rest of us? When our community wants to make a major change the public votes on it. Why not the country? Why cant we have voting stations set up? My husband says it would cost to much money. Why cant it be set up they same way jury duty is so all the people manning the stations are volunteers? Pay the few it would take to be in charge and have citizens man it. Do we really need to pay $10,000 for a hammer? Stations could be opened quarterly or semi-annually and the public could vote on the major laws for their land. The government has plenty of websites, they could post the upcoming legislation on the sites for the public to download and review. Not to mention, if you believe your senator or congressman has done a good job vote for him or her to get a raise. If they didn't get the vote they don't get the raise. Wouldn't that be better than them voting themselves annual raises while the minimum wage hasn't been raised in like 15 years? What would they really know about living on minimum wage? Not one of them lives on anything close to minimum wage and lets be honest here...I bet they don't hang out with the kind of people who do. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it would be perfect and covered in rainbows, there would be problems. But wouldn't it be a more fair society where the rich weren't constantly getting richer at the expense of the poor man? Lobbyists couldn't buy us all.
Just thinking.
It occurred to me the other night with all the slaughter ads bombarding me that they are only trying to prove to us that they are the better person to vote on our behalf. They want to represent our opinions and needs, look how bad the other guy voted, he doesn't care about you but I do. Blah blah blah. I am so tired of the "look how he voted in the past" crap. Really, when it all comes down to it, can we blame them for their past voting behavior? Hear me out...These people who are voting on our behalf, caring for our needs; are they really to blame for their votes? I ask this because when was the last time anyone asked what it is we wanted anyway? When did we really have a say? Congress and Senate meet regularly to vote on laws for our country but do we have any say in those laws? Not really. Why is that? There isn't a person in this country who doesn't believe to some extent that politicians are crooked. You have tons and tons of lobbyist who are doing everything they can to get their issues through. You have laws repeatedly piggybacked that the public hears nothing about. Why do the few who are rarely affected by the laws they pass (rich) get to decide the fate of the rest of us? When our community wants to make a major change the public votes on it. Why not the country? Why cant we have voting stations set up? My husband says it would cost to much money. Why cant it be set up they same way jury duty is so all the people manning the stations are volunteers? Pay the few it would take to be in charge and have citizens man it. Do we really need to pay $10,000 for a hammer? Stations could be opened quarterly or semi-annually and the public could vote on the major laws for their land. The government has plenty of websites, they could post the upcoming legislation on the sites for the public to download and review. Not to mention, if you believe your senator or congressman has done a good job vote for him or her to get a raise. If they didn't get the vote they don't get the raise. Wouldn't that be better than them voting themselves annual raises while the minimum wage hasn't been raised in like 15 years? What would they really know about living on minimum wage? Not one of them lives on anything close to minimum wage and lets be honest here...I bet they don't hang out with the kind of people who do. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it would be perfect and covered in rainbows, there would be problems. But wouldn't it be a more fair society where the rich weren't constantly getting richer at the expense of the poor man? Lobbyists couldn't buy us all.
Just thinking.
August 27, 2006
Priorities
As parents, my husband and I are extremely active in the lives of our children. We coach ball, attend games, run a scout den and the list goes on. There are a lot of people, who don't know us, in the community who look down upon us when we first arrive. Pulling up in our 1993 Nissan Sentra, with its rusted out hood, trunk that doesn't latch and beat up door panels. No, its not a nice car but it runs and does what we need it to do. I cant help but smile and remember what I left to get here.
Growing up, my maternal grandmother had a butler and a cook. Needless to say she never wanted for a thing and was accustomed to a certain way of life. I remember her saying "It's just as easy to love a rich man as a poor one." My Grandfather was not rich but he made enough to keep her comfortable. She had a set of standards and expectations for her life and my grandfather worked well through his 70's ensuring that she had it. By the time he retired he received 5 retirement checks. Grandma was comfortable.
My mother received the ideas of life passed down from my grandmother. She has always said "I only date a man who can afford me." Mom didn't do yard work, she didn't like to clean and she surely didn't work. "That's what we pay people for." is what she would say when I was growing up. We had a maid who came in twice a week.
My fathers childhood was a little different. His family is where I get my Native American heritage from. He grew up very poor. He never owned a piece of clothing that wasn't hand made by my grandmother or passed down from the reservation until he was a grown man and could buy it himself. His father was a fisherman by trade and in the winter months when there wasn't very much work they went to the reservation for food. I remember this. I also remember my dad putting himself through college. I remember him working as a bartender to pay his tuition. When he finished with his degree he decided to further his education. After many years of part time college, supporting a new family and paying child support on me; he succeeded. My father is very financially comfortable now. He averages 4 trips a year around the world, just because.
My mother remarried a man "who could afford her" when I was 4 1/2. Growing up we never lived in a house under 3000 square feet and that was "beneath us". We had nice cars, expensive jewelry, nice clothes. We didn't have get-togethers, we "entertained". We kept up with the Jones's. In return, we had no self esteem, no sense of reality, and an altered sense of how the world worked. You were judged by what you had and someone always had more.
Growing up, I hob-nobbed with senators and dined with billionaires. "Entertained" the rich and partied with the poor. I have been offered "sanctuary" by one of the richest families in this country. I have vacationed in Martha's Vineyard. I have been to foreign countries on shopping sprees. I slept with a rich man and made passionate love to a poor man.
I saw the people from that life and it isn't one I want for myself or my family. I want my children strong because of who they are not what they have. We have a nice home, a car that runs, food on the table and more love than I ever witnessed growing up. We aren't perfect but we are happier than I ever knew existed. Everything we have, we earned and to be honest...I wouldn't care if we didn't have it anymore.
When our daughter died my grandparents couldn't buy her back. My dad couldn't buy her back. There was only one thing that mattered, only one single importance and it had absolutely nothing to do with money and everything to do with eachother.
Growing up, my maternal grandmother had a butler and a cook. Needless to say she never wanted for a thing and was accustomed to a certain way of life. I remember her saying "It's just as easy to love a rich man as a poor one." My Grandfather was not rich but he made enough to keep her comfortable. She had a set of standards and expectations for her life and my grandfather worked well through his 70's ensuring that she had it. By the time he retired he received 5 retirement checks. Grandma was comfortable.
My mother received the ideas of life passed down from my grandmother. She has always said "I only date a man who can afford me." Mom didn't do yard work, she didn't like to clean and she surely didn't work. "That's what we pay people for." is what she would say when I was growing up. We had a maid who came in twice a week.
My fathers childhood was a little different. His family is where I get my Native American heritage from. He grew up very poor. He never owned a piece of clothing that wasn't hand made by my grandmother or passed down from the reservation until he was a grown man and could buy it himself. His father was a fisherman by trade and in the winter months when there wasn't very much work they went to the reservation for food. I remember this. I also remember my dad putting himself through college. I remember him working as a bartender to pay his tuition. When he finished with his degree he decided to further his education. After many years of part time college, supporting a new family and paying child support on me; he succeeded. My father is very financially comfortable now. He averages 4 trips a year around the world, just because.
My mother remarried a man "who could afford her" when I was 4 1/2. Growing up we never lived in a house under 3000 square feet and that was "beneath us". We had nice cars, expensive jewelry, nice clothes. We didn't have get-togethers, we "entertained". We kept up with the Jones's. In return, we had no self esteem, no sense of reality, and an altered sense of how the world worked. You were judged by what you had and someone always had more.
Growing up, I hob-nobbed with senators and dined with billionaires. "Entertained" the rich and partied with the poor. I have been offered "sanctuary" by one of the richest families in this country. I have vacationed in Martha's Vineyard. I have been to foreign countries on shopping sprees. I slept with a rich man and made passionate love to a poor man.
I saw the people from that life and it isn't one I want for myself or my family. I want my children strong because of who they are not what they have. We have a nice home, a car that runs, food on the table and more love than I ever witnessed growing up. We aren't perfect but we are happier than I ever knew existed. Everything we have, we earned and to be honest...I wouldn't care if we didn't have it anymore.
When our daughter died my grandparents couldn't buy her back. My dad couldn't buy her back. There was only one thing that mattered, only one single importance and it had absolutely nothing to do with money and everything to do with eachother.
August 05, 2006
Valium, morphine..Can I stock up?
Here lately a new form of neurosis has begun. Not that I'm not accustomed to being neurotic, I am. I knew this was coming, figured it wouldn't be to easy but I didn't expect the lack of ability to control it. I can be doing something so very normal, driving down the road for example, absolutely nothing to do with the cause of my neurosis; and all of a sudden...WHAM! It just hits me, my mind goes into overdrive. There is no pause button, no chance to regain composure. Just me sitting there in full blown crazy. I suppose it would be easier if I just wrote what the cause was, which I'm going to just bear with me. You see, there is this crazy part of my brain that writing it out makes it so real for. Almost like if I don't admit it then it will go away. That crazy childhood game of "I cant see you so you cant see me".
Take a deep breath, here it comes.
In less than 6 months..
I will be...
The parent of an adult child.
My baby girl, my first born will be 18 years old. It is to a big deal!! No, I don't much care about the getting older thing. Hell, I use that to my advantage. "I said what? No, I don't remember saying that's ok. What did you expect I'm old, memory's going." The problem here is that she is just a baby! No really, you don't understand. I remember 18, remember thinking I was grown. But she is just a baby!! She is not ready for that horrible cruel world out there and I'm not ready to send her to it, damn it!
We were sitting in the kitchen the other day having a nice normal family discussion when the little ass announces that she already has 3 friends lined up who are going to go clubbing with her on her 18th birthday. She really thinks she is going clubbing on her birthday. Cute isn't she. She is staying home and having ice cream and cake. I'm not going to do this well, this isn't working for me. We have enough financial worries with sending the child to college this year (which I am also not real happy about) without having to worry about bail money. 18 is not grown, she will be out at some club..Just a baby; and some grown man is going to want to dance and put his hands on her. He knows she is just a baby but being the pervert he is, does not care! (This is where the bail money comes in)
I hear jail isn't so bad. 3 meals a day, no real responsibility. Maybe I could even go in on an insanity plea. Get a nice comfy bed in a psych ward in some state institution. Some really good drugs that make me drool on myself.
Anyone?
Take a deep breath, here it comes.
In less than 6 months..
I will be...
The parent of an adult child.
My baby girl, my first born will be 18 years old. It is to a big deal!! No, I don't much care about the getting older thing. Hell, I use that to my advantage. "I said what? No, I don't remember saying that's ok. What did you expect I'm old, memory's going." The problem here is that she is just a baby! No really, you don't understand. I remember 18, remember thinking I was grown. But she is just a baby!! She is not ready for that horrible cruel world out there and I'm not ready to send her to it, damn it!
We were sitting in the kitchen the other day having a nice normal family discussion when the little ass announces that she already has 3 friends lined up who are going to go clubbing with her on her 18th birthday. She really thinks she is going clubbing on her birthday. Cute isn't she. She is staying home and having ice cream and cake. I'm not going to do this well, this isn't working for me. We have enough financial worries with sending the child to college this year (which I am also not real happy about) without having to worry about bail money. 18 is not grown, she will be out at some club..Just a baby; and some grown man is going to want to dance and put his hands on her. He knows she is just a baby but being the pervert he is, does not care! (This is where the bail money comes in)
I hear jail isn't so bad. 3 meals a day, no real responsibility. Maybe I could even go in on an insanity plea. Get a nice comfy bed in a psych ward in some state institution. Some really good drugs that make me drool on myself.
Anyone?
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