We have another Birthday coming up, this time it is my youngest baby's day. I cant believe that after tomorrow all of my children will be in double digits. I tried to talk the child into skipping tomorrow but he was having none of it. I got his school pictures back yesterday, it doesn't even look like him. I have no clue who that kid is but it doesn't even resemble mine. That kid looks like he is only a couple months from pimples and hair on his butt. Mine is just a baby.
You know, i feel as if i am just giving and giving and not receiving a damn thing. We started the deodorant this year, i gave in even though i still think its retarded. Don't get me wrong, if he stunk i would be the first one at the store but he doesn't, he still smells like a little boy. So i gave on that. Then he had to have his own "bathroom space". I am the only female currently living in my home; doesn't that automatically resign any and all bathroom mirrors to me? I gave on that. Then there was the whole "i need some cologne because I'm a man and that's man stuff". I gave on that, OK so i also informed him that getting a job was man stuff, but i bought the damn cologne. The list just keeps growing.
My oldest is grown an gone, moved out, left her mom. Putting her face in commercials so now i have thousands more perverts to worry about. My youngest has one foot out the door. What is in this for me? Not extra kisses that's for sure.
I'm thinking mom needs a little extra snuggle time here.
November 06, 2007
November 02, 2007
Not so sweet 16
It was supposed to be a big day. Something you plan for, prep for, a mile marker in life. We should have been excited and a little nervous. I pictured us taking her to take the test, she was never one to let nerves get the best of her. More a "live in the moment" kinda girl. She would have been excited though, we all are on this day. Would she have passed? Would we be in the market for another new car? What kind would she have wanted? Would we have been able to get it for her?
It normally doesn't get to me like this. We bake a cake, share stories about her, sing her happy birthday. It is a little sad but we have accepted the loss. This year though, I'm not doing so good. It was supposed to be a big day.
She would have been 16 yesterday.
It hurts so bad
It normally doesn't get to me like this. We bake a cake, share stories about her, sing her happy birthday. It is a little sad but we have accepted the loss. This year though, I'm not doing so good. It was supposed to be a big day.
She would have been 16 yesterday.
It hurts so bad
August 10, 2007
Billy got it right
She's gotta do what she's gotta do
And i've gotta like it or not
She's got dreams to big for this town
Ande she's gotta give 'em a shot
Whatever they are
Looks like she's all ready to leave
Nothing left to pack
There ain't no room for me in that car
Even if she asked me to tag along
God i gotta be strong
She's at the startin' line of the rest of her life
As ready as she's ever been
Got the hunger and stars in her eyes
The prize is hers to win
She's waitin' on my blessings before she hits that open road
Baby get ready
Get set
Dont go
She says things are fallen into place
Feels like they're fallin apart
I painted this big ole smile on my face
To hide my broken heart
If only she knew
This is where i dont say what i want so bad to say
This is where i want to but i wont get in the way
Of her and her dreams
And spreadin' her wings
She's at the startin' line of the rest of her life
As ready as she's ever been
Got the hunger and stars in her eyes
The prize is hers to win
She's waitin' on my blessings before she hits that open road
Baby get ready
Get set
Please dont go
Dont go
Dont go
She's gotta do what shes gotta do
She's gotta do what shes gotta do
"Billy Ray Cyrus"
And i've gotta like it or not
She's got dreams to big for this town
Ande she's gotta give 'em a shot
Whatever they are
Looks like she's all ready to leave
Nothing left to pack
There ain't no room for me in that car
Even if she asked me to tag along
God i gotta be strong
She's at the startin' line of the rest of her life
As ready as she's ever been
Got the hunger and stars in her eyes
The prize is hers to win
She's waitin' on my blessings before she hits that open road
Baby get ready
Get set
Dont go
She says things are fallen into place
Feels like they're fallin apart
I painted this big ole smile on my face
To hide my broken heart
If only she knew
This is where i dont say what i want so bad to say
This is where i want to but i wont get in the way
Of her and her dreams
And spreadin' her wings
She's at the startin' line of the rest of her life
As ready as she's ever been
Got the hunger and stars in her eyes
The prize is hers to win
She's waitin' on my blessings before she hits that open road
Baby get ready
Get set
Please dont go
Dont go
Dont go
She's gotta do what shes gotta do
She's gotta do what shes gotta do
"Billy Ray Cyrus"
June 22, 2007
All Grown Up
In the past you may have read my entries of fear about being the parent of an adult child. I was terrified. I have to say, its not so bad. Our oldest is 18 and hasn't lived here for several months now. I was afraid I wouldn't cope well or be able to function but that just hasn't been the case. Actually, I kinda like it. Don't get me wrong, I still miss her but things have changed. Since she has moved out she has undergone a miraculous transition. She actually misses me too! I speak with her everyday at least once on the phone, because she has called me! She looks forward to coming to visit and wants to spend time with me. I guess I'm not so retarded after all.
Moving out on her own has brought new realizations for her. Things like, food is expensive and $200 is not a realistic price for a dress. She calls me the other night and asks what I'm having for dinner so I tell her. There is silence for a moment on the other end of the phone and I ask if she is OK. She says "Yeah, I'm just remembering the taste of that. No matter how hard I try I cant get these pretzels to taste like that." I ask if the pretzels are her dinner and she confirms that they are. I cant help but stifle a giggle remembering the days of that age where we lived off of ramen noodles and popcorn. When I ask her if she needs money she says no. She has grown to be quite independent.
It still amazes me sometimes, this is the same child who would $20 me to death. The same child who thought I was a horrible parent for not buying $25 steaks on a regular basis, the very same child who thought $100 was not an outrageous amount for me to spend for her to have a designer pair of tennis shoes every 3 months. She tells me about how she saved money here and budgeted there. I guess maybe she did learn something. I watch her in how she conducts her life and cant help but be proud. She goes to work and gives her all, studies hard in school and makes time for her friends. She has really grown up to be an amazing young woman and somehow, somewhere I played a part in that.
Moving out on her own has brought new realizations for her. Things like, food is expensive and $200 is not a realistic price for a dress. She calls me the other night and asks what I'm having for dinner so I tell her. There is silence for a moment on the other end of the phone and I ask if she is OK. She says "Yeah, I'm just remembering the taste of that. No matter how hard I try I cant get these pretzels to taste like that." I ask if the pretzels are her dinner and she confirms that they are. I cant help but stifle a giggle remembering the days of that age where we lived off of ramen noodles and popcorn. When I ask her if she needs money she says no. She has grown to be quite independent.
It still amazes me sometimes, this is the same child who would $20 me to death. The same child who thought I was a horrible parent for not buying $25 steaks on a regular basis, the very same child who thought $100 was not an outrageous amount for me to spend for her to have a designer pair of tennis shoes every 3 months. She tells me about how she saved money here and budgeted there. I guess maybe she did learn something. I watch her in how she conducts her life and cant help but be proud. She goes to work and gives her all, studies hard in school and makes time for her friends. She has really grown up to be an amazing young woman and somehow, somewhere I played a part in that.
June 19, 2007
A New Experience
Life is about the experience. At least that's the thought that creeps into your mind when you get to my age. The experiences you have are what shape you as a person. I happen to like who i am as a person and tend to enjoy the ride my experiences have brought to me thus far. Of course, there are some I'm not real fond of but over all i don't guess i can complain. There was one thing i had wanted to experience for quite some time, yet being a chicken shit i always talked myself out of it. I would think "I really want to do this." then think some more to conclude "Nah, maybe not." Last Saturday night i decided, what the hell. I'm not going to think about it, I'm just going to go. No, I'm not talking about anything as extreme as sky diving. It's actually pretty common, but it involves something I'm not real fond of....Needles. Yes, a woman who has given birth 3 times fears something as silly as a needle.
So as we arrive at the location and i pick out what it is i want, my stomach starts turning. I know if i can get in the room and get started i wont stop, we are not going to have me partially marked here, I'm way to hard headed for that. They introduce me to who will be doing the artwork and all i can do is chuckle to myself. He cant be much older than my own child. Is his attention span even long enough to focus on this task? 15 years ago i probably would have batted my eyes thinking he is absolutely precious, now all i can do is close my eyes and hope his fine motor skills are fully formed.
There i sit on an arm rest, my feet planted firmly in a chair, pants undone, bent over holding my knees. The young man in charge of my experience was precious and tried making jokes to ease my tension.
"So, I'm going to be your first, huh?" He says. I'm thinking that probably happened around the time you were born, of course i keep that thought to myself. He is in charge of the needle you know.
"Yes, i suppose you are. Be gentle." See, i can joke back. Even though this conversation seems very odd considering I'm thinking he is almost close enough in age to have come from my body. I'm finding myself having to hold back asking the questions you would ask your kid. Things like "Did you use soap?", "Don't forget your ears. Did you wash them?"
Thank God that about the time he complemented my underwear he stuck that damn needle in my back. I couldn't do anything more than hold my breath. It wasn't really that bad but the idea of that needle chugging along my back made me nervous as hell. Not to mention i wasn't sure of his attention span and didn't want to offer any distraction. It wasn't until he hit my tailbone i began to think this was probably the dumbest idea i have had in a long time. Now i am not going to lie to you people, it hurt like hell. Was it as bad as giving birth? No! But it was not comfortable. It was less than an hour when he informed me we were all done. I'm thinking, "Oh, shit. He has forgotten some. I knew he was to young to focus for any length of time." I look in the mirror to confirm my suspicion. Nope, he got it all and damn if it doesn't look good. I could hug this kid.
I'm feeling pretty proud of myself when I walk out of there. So I do what any grown woman of my age would do.
I call my mom. (giggle)
So as we arrive at the location and i pick out what it is i want, my stomach starts turning. I know if i can get in the room and get started i wont stop, we are not going to have me partially marked here, I'm way to hard headed for that. They introduce me to who will be doing the artwork and all i can do is chuckle to myself. He cant be much older than my own child. Is his attention span even long enough to focus on this task? 15 years ago i probably would have batted my eyes thinking he is absolutely precious, now all i can do is close my eyes and hope his fine motor skills are fully formed.
There i sit on an arm rest, my feet planted firmly in a chair, pants undone, bent over holding my knees. The young man in charge of my experience was precious and tried making jokes to ease my tension.
"So, I'm going to be your first, huh?" He says. I'm thinking that probably happened around the time you were born, of course i keep that thought to myself. He is in charge of the needle you know.
"Yes, i suppose you are. Be gentle." See, i can joke back. Even though this conversation seems very odd considering I'm thinking he is almost close enough in age to have come from my body. I'm finding myself having to hold back asking the questions you would ask your kid. Things like "Did you use soap?", "Don't forget your ears. Did you wash them?"
Thank God that about the time he complemented my underwear he stuck that damn needle in my back. I couldn't do anything more than hold my breath. It wasn't really that bad but the idea of that needle chugging along my back made me nervous as hell. Not to mention i wasn't sure of his attention span and didn't want to offer any distraction. It wasn't until he hit my tailbone i began to think this was probably the dumbest idea i have had in a long time. Now i am not going to lie to you people, it hurt like hell. Was it as bad as giving birth? No! But it was not comfortable. It was less than an hour when he informed me we were all done. I'm thinking, "Oh, shit. He has forgotten some. I knew he was to young to focus for any length of time." I look in the mirror to confirm my suspicion. Nope, he got it all and damn if it doesn't look good. I could hug this kid.
I'm feeling pretty proud of myself when I walk out of there. So I do what any grown woman of my age would do.
I call my mom. (giggle)
February 18, 2007
Patience
Growing up I clearly remember my mother saying, on a regular basis, "patience is a virtue". For something that was supposed to be a virtue I don't ever remember feeling any good connotation regarding the remark. It was normally said when there was something I felt I just had to have, be it a material item or a situation resolution. This is not to say that whatever the situation I was being denied was not properly done so, just that the saying never seemed to be expressing a virtue as a positive thing. I don't ever remember wishing for this virtue nor do I remember feeling any remorse for my lack there of.
As I grew older, I reconciled myself with the thought that this was a virtue I never seemed to receive from the powers that be. I remember as I grew older, and my mouth more flexible, when my mother would pose her phrase to me, I would respond with, "and one I don't have". It seemed appropriate in my adolescent mind. It wasn't until I was well into comfortable womanhood that I decided my lack of this virtue wasn't such a bad thing. Once at a point in my life that I had begun to climb the mountain of self awareness and realized I liked the person looking back at me, I turned this negative trait into one I was able to view as a positive. I was fond of the fact that I had become a straight forward kind of person. Having no problem speaking my mind, handling any crisis situation, and the ability to nip any possible problems in the bud; my lack of patience seemed to leave behind a person I liked. I found that having a lack of patience enabled me to react appropriately in given situations immediately before things grew out of control without hesitation. Perhaps this trait isn't such a virtue after all. The adolescent Ravyn wanted to throw in a "so put that in your pipe and smoke it".
As time once again has passed and left epiphanies in its wake, as it always seems to do. I have come to realize that perhaps this issue of mine is a double edged sword. I still enjoy and take pride in the strong woman able to tackle any situation with a level head and clear mind, yet there seems to be a down side to this. I have found that my lack of patience doesn't just have an effect in situations that require immediate attention, it seems to rear its head in situations that require cool down time as well. Here is where I seem to have my trouble. For example, lets say we have had a disagreement that happens to be something I am absolutely passionate about. Now lets say you are a person extremely close to me and I feel so strongly about said subject that I find it almost dangerous that you can not see the potential disaster. Here, at a point where any common sense would tell you to take a time out, I have difficulty. My lack of patience makes it difficult for me to walk away from a situation I feel a sense of urgency to reconcile and wait until cooler heads prevail. Now don't get me wrong, my rational mind completely recognizes that there is no sense in continuing a conversation when emotions have carried the rational mind away. I just cant seem to let that rational mind lead the way. Instead, I battle for the elusive virtue I seem to have lived so long without.
So here I sit, baffled to maintain the traits I am fond of while gaining the virtue I continue to search for. So I ask you...How do you find a virtue you have never had? And once found, how do you balance the traits you have grown so fond of?
As I grew older, I reconciled myself with the thought that this was a virtue I never seemed to receive from the powers that be. I remember as I grew older, and my mouth more flexible, when my mother would pose her phrase to me, I would respond with, "and one I don't have". It seemed appropriate in my adolescent mind. It wasn't until I was well into comfortable womanhood that I decided my lack of this virtue wasn't such a bad thing. Once at a point in my life that I had begun to climb the mountain of self awareness and realized I liked the person looking back at me, I turned this negative trait into one I was able to view as a positive. I was fond of the fact that I had become a straight forward kind of person. Having no problem speaking my mind, handling any crisis situation, and the ability to nip any possible problems in the bud; my lack of patience seemed to leave behind a person I liked. I found that having a lack of patience enabled me to react appropriately in given situations immediately before things grew out of control without hesitation. Perhaps this trait isn't such a virtue after all. The adolescent Ravyn wanted to throw in a "so put that in your pipe and smoke it".
As time once again has passed and left epiphanies in its wake, as it always seems to do. I have come to realize that perhaps this issue of mine is a double edged sword. I still enjoy and take pride in the strong woman able to tackle any situation with a level head and clear mind, yet there seems to be a down side to this. I have found that my lack of patience doesn't just have an effect in situations that require immediate attention, it seems to rear its head in situations that require cool down time as well. Here is where I seem to have my trouble. For example, lets say we have had a disagreement that happens to be something I am absolutely passionate about. Now lets say you are a person extremely close to me and I feel so strongly about said subject that I find it almost dangerous that you can not see the potential disaster. Here, at a point where any common sense would tell you to take a time out, I have difficulty. My lack of patience makes it difficult for me to walk away from a situation I feel a sense of urgency to reconcile and wait until cooler heads prevail. Now don't get me wrong, my rational mind completely recognizes that there is no sense in continuing a conversation when emotions have carried the rational mind away. I just cant seem to let that rational mind lead the way. Instead, I battle for the elusive virtue I seem to have lived so long without.
So here I sit, baffled to maintain the traits I am fond of while gaining the virtue I continue to search for. So I ask you...How do you find a virtue you have never had? And once found, how do you balance the traits you have grown so fond of?
January 28, 2007
Tagged!
I hate these things, truly i do. The only reason i am doing this is because my former best good friend, Justice, has tagged me. I have a feeling she just will not let this rest until i do it. OK Justice, it is done!
A - Available or Single? Umm what is the difference in that choice? I pick neither.
B - Best Friend? S is the initial and that's all your getting.
C - Cake or Pie? Hmmm depends on the cake or pie. Is it smothered in chocolate or caramel? Whichever is will win
D - Drink of Choice? Probably Iced Tea
E - Essential Item? Car Keys, i tend to lose them regularly
F - Favorite Color? Purple
G - Gummi Bears or Worms? If i have to pick one, worms. But can i just have chocolate or caramel?
H - Hometown? Virginia Beach
I - Indulgence? Chocolate or caramel...I'm feeling a trend here.
J - January or February? Ewww in Costa Rica maybe. Lets try June, July or August.
K - Kids and Names? Kids yup but their names are mine and mine alone
L - Life is incomplete without? Self honesty
M - Marriage Date? May 15 a long long time ago
N - Number of Siblings? 5
O - Oranges or Apples? Can i pick melon?
P - Phobias or Fears? Stupid people, they scare me i cant help it.
Q - Favorite Quote? "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Emerson
R - Reason to smile? Waking up
S - Season? Spring or summer
T - Tag 3 people? nope not gonna do it
U - Unknown fact about me? I secretly lust after Johnny Depp. Well its unknown to him, damn it!
V - Vegetable you hate? Collard greens
W - Worst Habit? Smoking....or not writing in my blog lately
X - X-Rays you've had? There is no way i can remember them all
Y - Your favorite food? Caramel or Chocolate hehehe
Z - Zodiac? Sagittarius
A - Available or Single? Umm what is the difference in that choice? I pick neither.
B - Best Friend? S is the initial and that's all your getting.
C - Cake or Pie? Hmmm depends on the cake or pie. Is it smothered in chocolate or caramel? Whichever is will win
D - Drink of Choice? Probably Iced Tea
E - Essential Item? Car Keys, i tend to lose them regularly
F - Favorite Color? Purple
G - Gummi Bears or Worms? If i have to pick one, worms. But can i just have chocolate or caramel?
H - Hometown? Virginia Beach
I - Indulgence? Chocolate or caramel...I'm feeling a trend here.
J - January or February? Ewww in Costa Rica maybe. Lets try June, July or August.
K - Kids and Names? Kids yup but their names are mine and mine alone
L - Life is incomplete without? Self honesty
M - Marriage Date? May 15 a long long time ago
N - Number of Siblings? 5
O - Oranges or Apples? Can i pick melon?
P - Phobias or Fears? Stupid people, they scare me i cant help it.
Q - Favorite Quote? "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Emerson
R - Reason to smile? Waking up
S - Season? Spring or summer
T - Tag 3 people? nope not gonna do it
U - Unknown fact about me? I secretly lust after Johnny Depp. Well its unknown to him, damn it!
V - Vegetable you hate? Collard greens
W - Worst Habit? Smoking....or not writing in my blog lately
X - X-Rays you've had? There is no way i can remember them all
Y - Your favorite food? Caramel or Chocolate hehehe
Z - Zodiac? Sagittarius
November 05, 2006
Vote or not to Vote
Voting time is upon us once again. I remember my grandmother saying "voting is the most important thing you can do as a citizen". To be honest with you, it isn't something I jump up and down looking forward to. I don't feel a great sense of pride that I have done something important. Actually, by the time the big day arrives I feel a bit beat up and bullied. There is almost a sense of relief that it is finally over. I no longer have to be bombarded with attack ads everywhere I turn. I know the "experts" say people hate them but they work so they wont be going away. It was this my husband and I were discussing the other night that brought me to this post. I was explaining to him that I understood they have to show you all the bad points of their opponent but it has gotten to the point that nobody talks about what they want to do for you and why they think they are qualified to do it. They spend millions of dollars to slaughter their opponent in ads. Millions....Think about that. Mayberry here happens to located in one of what they are calling the "deciding states" so we are bombarded with them. The news report last week announced that according to financial reports one of the candidates has spent 14 million dollars on advertising while the other has only spent 11 million. Why would any sane person spend 11 - 14 million dollars to obtain a job that only pays around 250,00? There's a reason, think about it.
It occurred to me the other night with all the slaughter ads bombarding me that they are only trying to prove to us that they are the better person to vote on our behalf. They want to represent our opinions and needs, look how bad the other guy voted, he doesn't care about you but I do. Blah blah blah. I am so tired of the "look how he voted in the past" crap. Really, when it all comes down to it, can we blame them for their past voting behavior? Hear me out...These people who are voting on our behalf, caring for our needs; are they really to blame for their votes? I ask this because when was the last time anyone asked what it is we wanted anyway? When did we really have a say? Congress and Senate meet regularly to vote on laws for our country but do we have any say in those laws? Not really. Why is that? There isn't a person in this country who doesn't believe to some extent that politicians are crooked. You have tons and tons of lobbyist who are doing everything they can to get their issues through. You have laws repeatedly piggybacked that the public hears nothing about. Why do the few who are rarely affected by the laws they pass (rich) get to decide the fate of the rest of us? When our community wants to make a major change the public votes on it. Why not the country? Why cant we have voting stations set up? My husband says it would cost to much money. Why cant it be set up they same way jury duty is so all the people manning the stations are volunteers? Pay the few it would take to be in charge and have citizens man it. Do we really need to pay $10,000 for a hammer? Stations could be opened quarterly or semi-annually and the public could vote on the major laws for their land. The government has plenty of websites, they could post the upcoming legislation on the sites for the public to download and review. Not to mention, if you believe your senator or congressman has done a good job vote for him or her to get a raise. If they didn't get the vote they don't get the raise. Wouldn't that be better than them voting themselves annual raises while the minimum wage hasn't been raised in like 15 years? What would they really know about living on minimum wage? Not one of them lives on anything close to minimum wage and lets be honest here...I bet they don't hang out with the kind of people who do. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it would be perfect and covered in rainbows, there would be problems. But wouldn't it be a more fair society where the rich weren't constantly getting richer at the expense of the poor man? Lobbyists couldn't buy us all.
Just thinking.
It occurred to me the other night with all the slaughter ads bombarding me that they are only trying to prove to us that they are the better person to vote on our behalf. They want to represent our opinions and needs, look how bad the other guy voted, he doesn't care about you but I do. Blah blah blah. I am so tired of the "look how he voted in the past" crap. Really, when it all comes down to it, can we blame them for their past voting behavior? Hear me out...These people who are voting on our behalf, caring for our needs; are they really to blame for their votes? I ask this because when was the last time anyone asked what it is we wanted anyway? When did we really have a say? Congress and Senate meet regularly to vote on laws for our country but do we have any say in those laws? Not really. Why is that? There isn't a person in this country who doesn't believe to some extent that politicians are crooked. You have tons and tons of lobbyist who are doing everything they can to get their issues through. You have laws repeatedly piggybacked that the public hears nothing about. Why do the few who are rarely affected by the laws they pass (rich) get to decide the fate of the rest of us? When our community wants to make a major change the public votes on it. Why not the country? Why cant we have voting stations set up? My husband says it would cost to much money. Why cant it be set up they same way jury duty is so all the people manning the stations are volunteers? Pay the few it would take to be in charge and have citizens man it. Do we really need to pay $10,000 for a hammer? Stations could be opened quarterly or semi-annually and the public could vote on the major laws for their land. The government has plenty of websites, they could post the upcoming legislation on the sites for the public to download and review. Not to mention, if you believe your senator or congressman has done a good job vote for him or her to get a raise. If they didn't get the vote they don't get the raise. Wouldn't that be better than them voting themselves annual raises while the minimum wage hasn't been raised in like 15 years? What would they really know about living on minimum wage? Not one of them lives on anything close to minimum wage and lets be honest here...I bet they don't hang out with the kind of people who do. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it would be perfect and covered in rainbows, there would be problems. But wouldn't it be a more fair society where the rich weren't constantly getting richer at the expense of the poor man? Lobbyists couldn't buy us all.
Just thinking.
August 27, 2006
Priorities
As parents, my husband and I are extremely active in the lives of our children. We coach ball, attend games, run a scout den and the list goes on. There are a lot of people, who don't know us, in the community who look down upon us when we first arrive. Pulling up in our 1993 Nissan Sentra, with its rusted out hood, trunk that doesn't latch and beat up door panels. No, its not a nice car but it runs and does what we need it to do. I cant help but smile and remember what I left to get here.
Growing up, my maternal grandmother had a butler and a cook. Needless to say she never wanted for a thing and was accustomed to a certain way of life. I remember her saying "It's just as easy to love a rich man as a poor one." My Grandfather was not rich but he made enough to keep her comfortable. She had a set of standards and expectations for her life and my grandfather worked well through his 70's ensuring that she had it. By the time he retired he received 5 retirement checks. Grandma was comfortable.
My mother received the ideas of life passed down from my grandmother. She has always said "I only date a man who can afford me." Mom didn't do yard work, she didn't like to clean and she surely didn't work. "That's what we pay people for." is what she would say when I was growing up. We had a maid who came in twice a week.
My fathers childhood was a little different. His family is where I get my Native American heritage from. He grew up very poor. He never owned a piece of clothing that wasn't hand made by my grandmother or passed down from the reservation until he was a grown man and could buy it himself. His father was a fisherman by trade and in the winter months when there wasn't very much work they went to the reservation for food. I remember this. I also remember my dad putting himself through college. I remember him working as a bartender to pay his tuition. When he finished with his degree he decided to further his education. After many years of part time college, supporting a new family and paying child support on me; he succeeded. My father is very financially comfortable now. He averages 4 trips a year around the world, just because.
My mother remarried a man "who could afford her" when I was 4 1/2. Growing up we never lived in a house under 3000 square feet and that was "beneath us". We had nice cars, expensive jewelry, nice clothes. We didn't have get-togethers, we "entertained". We kept up with the Jones's. In return, we had no self esteem, no sense of reality, and an altered sense of how the world worked. You were judged by what you had and someone always had more.
Growing up, I hob-nobbed with senators and dined with billionaires. "Entertained" the rich and partied with the poor. I have been offered "sanctuary" by one of the richest families in this country. I have vacationed in Martha's Vineyard. I have been to foreign countries on shopping sprees. I slept with a rich man and made passionate love to a poor man.
I saw the people from that life and it isn't one I want for myself or my family. I want my children strong because of who they are not what they have. We have a nice home, a car that runs, food on the table and more love than I ever witnessed growing up. We aren't perfect but we are happier than I ever knew existed. Everything we have, we earned and to be honest...I wouldn't care if we didn't have it anymore.
When our daughter died my grandparents couldn't buy her back. My dad couldn't buy her back. There was only one thing that mattered, only one single importance and it had absolutely nothing to do with money and everything to do with eachother.
Growing up, my maternal grandmother had a butler and a cook. Needless to say she never wanted for a thing and was accustomed to a certain way of life. I remember her saying "It's just as easy to love a rich man as a poor one." My Grandfather was not rich but he made enough to keep her comfortable. She had a set of standards and expectations for her life and my grandfather worked well through his 70's ensuring that she had it. By the time he retired he received 5 retirement checks. Grandma was comfortable.
My mother received the ideas of life passed down from my grandmother. She has always said "I only date a man who can afford me." Mom didn't do yard work, she didn't like to clean and she surely didn't work. "That's what we pay people for." is what she would say when I was growing up. We had a maid who came in twice a week.
My fathers childhood was a little different. His family is where I get my Native American heritage from. He grew up very poor. He never owned a piece of clothing that wasn't hand made by my grandmother or passed down from the reservation until he was a grown man and could buy it himself. His father was a fisherman by trade and in the winter months when there wasn't very much work they went to the reservation for food. I remember this. I also remember my dad putting himself through college. I remember him working as a bartender to pay his tuition. When he finished with his degree he decided to further his education. After many years of part time college, supporting a new family and paying child support on me; he succeeded. My father is very financially comfortable now. He averages 4 trips a year around the world, just because.
My mother remarried a man "who could afford her" when I was 4 1/2. Growing up we never lived in a house under 3000 square feet and that was "beneath us". We had nice cars, expensive jewelry, nice clothes. We didn't have get-togethers, we "entertained". We kept up with the Jones's. In return, we had no self esteem, no sense of reality, and an altered sense of how the world worked. You were judged by what you had and someone always had more.
Growing up, I hob-nobbed with senators and dined with billionaires. "Entertained" the rich and partied with the poor. I have been offered "sanctuary" by one of the richest families in this country. I have vacationed in Martha's Vineyard. I have been to foreign countries on shopping sprees. I slept with a rich man and made passionate love to a poor man.
I saw the people from that life and it isn't one I want for myself or my family. I want my children strong because of who they are not what they have. We have a nice home, a car that runs, food on the table and more love than I ever witnessed growing up. We aren't perfect but we are happier than I ever knew existed. Everything we have, we earned and to be honest...I wouldn't care if we didn't have it anymore.
When our daughter died my grandparents couldn't buy her back. My dad couldn't buy her back. There was only one thing that mattered, only one single importance and it had absolutely nothing to do with money and everything to do with eachother.
August 05, 2006
Valium, morphine..Can I stock up?
Here lately a new form of neurosis has begun. Not that I'm not accustomed to being neurotic, I am. I knew this was coming, figured it wouldn't be to easy but I didn't expect the lack of ability to control it. I can be doing something so very normal, driving down the road for example, absolutely nothing to do with the cause of my neurosis; and all of a sudden...WHAM! It just hits me, my mind goes into overdrive. There is no pause button, no chance to regain composure. Just me sitting there in full blown crazy. I suppose it would be easier if I just wrote what the cause was, which I'm going to just bear with me. You see, there is this crazy part of my brain that writing it out makes it so real for. Almost like if I don't admit it then it will go away. That crazy childhood game of "I cant see you so you cant see me".
Take a deep breath, here it comes.
In less than 6 months..
I will be...
The parent of an adult child.
My baby girl, my first born will be 18 years old. It is to a big deal!! No, I don't much care about the getting older thing. Hell, I use that to my advantage. "I said what? No, I don't remember saying that's ok. What did you expect I'm old, memory's going." The problem here is that she is just a baby! No really, you don't understand. I remember 18, remember thinking I was grown. But she is just a baby!! She is not ready for that horrible cruel world out there and I'm not ready to send her to it, damn it!
We were sitting in the kitchen the other day having a nice normal family discussion when the little ass announces that she already has 3 friends lined up who are going to go clubbing with her on her 18th birthday. She really thinks she is going clubbing on her birthday. Cute isn't she. She is staying home and having ice cream and cake. I'm not going to do this well, this isn't working for me. We have enough financial worries with sending the child to college this year (which I am also not real happy about) without having to worry about bail money. 18 is not grown, she will be out at some club..Just a baby; and some grown man is going to want to dance and put his hands on her. He knows she is just a baby but being the pervert he is, does not care! (This is where the bail money comes in)
I hear jail isn't so bad. 3 meals a day, no real responsibility. Maybe I could even go in on an insanity plea. Get a nice comfy bed in a psych ward in some state institution. Some really good drugs that make me drool on myself.
Anyone?
Take a deep breath, here it comes.
In less than 6 months..
I will be...
The parent of an adult child.
My baby girl, my first born will be 18 years old. It is to a big deal!! No, I don't much care about the getting older thing. Hell, I use that to my advantage. "I said what? No, I don't remember saying that's ok. What did you expect I'm old, memory's going." The problem here is that she is just a baby! No really, you don't understand. I remember 18, remember thinking I was grown. But she is just a baby!! She is not ready for that horrible cruel world out there and I'm not ready to send her to it, damn it!
We were sitting in the kitchen the other day having a nice normal family discussion when the little ass announces that she already has 3 friends lined up who are going to go clubbing with her on her 18th birthday. She really thinks she is going clubbing on her birthday. Cute isn't she. She is staying home and having ice cream and cake. I'm not going to do this well, this isn't working for me. We have enough financial worries with sending the child to college this year (which I am also not real happy about) without having to worry about bail money. 18 is not grown, she will be out at some club..Just a baby; and some grown man is going to want to dance and put his hands on her. He knows she is just a baby but being the pervert he is, does not care! (This is where the bail money comes in)
I hear jail isn't so bad. 3 meals a day, no real responsibility. Maybe I could even go in on an insanity plea. Get a nice comfy bed in a psych ward in some state institution. Some really good drugs that make me drool on myself.
Anyone?
June 14, 2006
What was I thinking?
I thought when the kids were out of school for summer we get a little break too. It hasn't quite worked that way this year. Don't get me wrong, things are extremely good, but busy as hell. We finally refinanced the house, took forever and cost me some gray hair but it is done. We were able to get some money back. So what do I decide we should do? Nope, doesn't have anything to do with Aruba or Jamaica. No cabana boy bringing me something with an umbrella in it. No, no, I want home improvements! Someone beat me in the head next time and send me some place warm with drinks that have little umbrellas. We tore out the old fence and are putting up a new and bigger fenced in area so we can put in a pool. I had two trees taken out, let me rephrase that, I had two trees cut down. To save money I told the guy to just put them on the ground, don't haul it off or clean it up. Now I'm Ravyn, the friggin lumber jack. I have spent the last week hauling limbs, cutting the trunk and burning the stuff; I'm only half way done. After this is done we are building a stone patio that runs 3/4 or the back of the house. It is going to be gorgeous! We designed it to have a built in fire pit and a stone water fall. Yes, this too we are doing ourselves. The comes the pool. I don't even want to know what I have gotten myself into here. Hubby wants to get a hot tub after all this. The way my body is protesting I'm thinking I need the damn hot tub now and screw the rest of it.
May 01, 2006
Riding the wave of conspiracy
Well, it seems I have survived the weekend. My body is sore and exhausted but apparently I am still breathing. Not only has my family conspired to see how much I can take before needing a permanent supply of lithium but, apparently, so has society. Who came up with the idea of prom anyway? What idiot, hater of parents decided this was a good thing? What happened to curfew? I think if this is going to be allowed then parents should be able to have a good amount of drugs stocked for the occasion, supplied of course by the individual school district. They can make it like a candy store, come in and pick out your pleasure. For me, I will take whatever will make me drool on myself and drift into wonderland for atleast 24 hours. Is this really so much to ask? Saturday was prom, my baby girl came walking out of her bedroom looking more beautiful than should be allowed. She got into a vehicle with several other teens and headed out for a night at a hotel which was followed by an after party until 5am. Have you any idea how many grey hairs that formed on my head? Then, my son got an invite to stay the night at his friends house. It was the child's birthday and his mother wanted him to be able to have a sleep over. They are ripping the children straight from my womb! Not only is my little girl at prom but I now don't even have my baby boy to cling to. About 15 minutes after all of my children were torn from my bosom I let the dogs inside. Had to keep them out while my daughter was in her dress, if they jumped on her I feared for their little lives. I let them in and watched the puppy run through the house whining and crying. Curious as to what is wrong with her I went after her. When I picked her up I noticed her little face was slightly swollen. In the 2 minutes of holding her I watched as her face continued to swell to the point that her eyes were swollen shut and her nose was huge. She reminded me of Will Smith in the movie Hitch. This is the point where I lost it. My children have left me and my dog is dyeing. I call the vet certain that my dog is dyeing he tells me to give her benadryl. I had to administer medicine to her every 3 hours, all through the night. Not like I was sleeping anyway. Finally yesterday around 7 pm all of the hives disappeared and she is happy once again. My daughter and son had a blast the puppy is finally well again. Me on the other hand, I am exhausted, in dire need of a shower and missing patches of hair I'm sure (probably the patches that weren't already gray). I'm going to bed today.
April 21, 2006
Couldn't resist
I know in my last post I spoke about Rocky, the dog who had been severely abused. Since that day I have been down to animal control several times trying to find out exactly what could be done to help and just how much support I would get from the officers. They are 100% supportive of our helping them adopt out as well as helping take care of the animals. They gave me great information and pointed me in all the right directions. I am in the process of getting my 501 status, tax exempt, which will open a lot of doors for the rescue. They tell me it should go through in just a couple of weeks. Then we will be able to accept donations from individuals, companies as well as supplies from companies. We already have a couple of places willing to let us set up an adopt a day at their location. I am supposed to meet with the police chief and the mayor to get the official approval and go ahead. Which nobody thinks is going to be a problem.
On my last trip down to animal control there was a special little someone who stole my heart. I couldn't help it! Her name is Karma, she is 2 months old, half pit bull and half lab. The sweetest little girl! I had to bring her home. It has turned out to be an excellent decision, if I don't say so myself. With our current boxer being so full of energy, she could run circles around me for days! I have tried and tried to work her energy out but I am only one person and she is killing me. Not anymore! Miss Karma has been the perfect pal, they are constantly playing and running. For the first time since we have had her Megan does not have to be crated at night for chewing, she is to tired to chew! They sleep together, play together, eat together, they even share toys! It is very entertaining.
On my last trip down to animal control there was a special little someone who stole my heart. I couldn't help it! Her name is Karma, she is 2 months old, half pit bull and half lab. The sweetest little girl! I had to bring her home. It has turned out to be an excellent decision, if I don't say so myself. With our current boxer being so full of energy, she could run circles around me for days! I have tried and tried to work her energy out but I am only one person and she is killing me. Not anymore! Miss Karma has been the perfect pal, they are constantly playing and running. For the first time since we have had her Megan does not have to be crated at night for chewing, she is to tired to chew! They sleep together, play together, eat together, they even share toys! It is very entertaining.
April 14, 2006
Rocky
If you have read many of my posts you are aware that we are huge animal lovers. With animals outnumbering the humans in the house its slightly obvious. We do rescue work for the local boxer rescue as a foster home. In doing this we have seen some horrible acts of cruelty. Yesterday the rescue got a call about a boxer at the pound close to me, so we decided to head down and check it out. When I got this call I was slightly surprised at the fact that our little bitty town has a pound, I had been told we didn't. When I arrived I realized why most people aren't aware of it. The gas station is bigger. Don't let the size fool you into thinking they don't get many animals, they do. They just don't have any funding. There is no outside area and the conditions inside are heartbreaking. They do the best they can but are terribly underfunded and understaffed.
The boxer we came to see had found a home but on our inspection of the other animals we came across Rocky. He is a male shepherd mix, probably part rotty. Rocky is terribly emaciated, dehydrated, covered in fleas and ticks and the skin on his tail was ripped off. His tail was literally red meat with the skin flopping to the side. The animal control officer told us about his conditions in which he was living and that this case was going to court. They had a rescue organization that was more than willing to take him but they needed a vet check to insure that he isn't so far gone with a major illness that he can be rehabilitated. Animal control had been asking people for donations to help pay for that but so far nobody had stepped up. I cant take them all home but I can help the ones I can. We took Rocky to the vet right then and there. My vet was shocked at his appearance but even more shocked when she did his check. He is over all fine but starved. Rocky's tail can be saved but will have to be amputated, we went ahead and set that up for today. Rocky is going to be ok, the rescue picks him up tomorrow. In all the abuse he has obviously been put through he isn't even the slightest bit aggressive. He is so loving and sweet, it just broke my heart.
After seeing what conditions animal control has here we are working on a plan. We are hoping to be able to help out in adoptions and fund raising. Nothing set in stone yet but we are working on it. Keep your fingers crossed, hopefully we can make a difference.
The boxer we came to see had found a home but on our inspection of the other animals we came across Rocky. He is a male shepherd mix, probably part rotty. Rocky is terribly emaciated, dehydrated, covered in fleas and ticks and the skin on his tail was ripped off. His tail was literally red meat with the skin flopping to the side. The animal control officer told us about his conditions in which he was living and that this case was going to court. They had a rescue organization that was more than willing to take him but they needed a vet check to insure that he isn't so far gone with a major illness that he can be rehabilitated. Animal control had been asking people for donations to help pay for that but so far nobody had stepped up. I cant take them all home but I can help the ones I can. We took Rocky to the vet right then and there. My vet was shocked at his appearance but even more shocked when she did his check. He is over all fine but starved. Rocky's tail can be saved but will have to be amputated, we went ahead and set that up for today. Rocky is going to be ok, the rescue picks him up tomorrow. In all the abuse he has obviously been put through he isn't even the slightest bit aggressive. He is so loving and sweet, it just broke my heart.
After seeing what conditions animal control has here we are working on a plan. We are hoping to be able to help out in adoptions and fund raising. Nothing set in stone yet but we are working on it. Keep your fingers crossed, hopefully we can make a difference.
April 08, 2006
Deadly storm
I returned home around 1 pm from shopping. I went early because I knew there were going to be storms coming through and I didn't want to be caught out in it. The news began to report the storms were really bad, tornados were dropping down everywhere. I am watching the report in a stunned silence as they are giving the path the storm is taking. I had just been there, shopping. They start highlighting roads on the news in the direct path of a tornado that has dropped down. My sister works there, right there on that road. I grab the phone knowing they aren't watching television and probably listening to a satellite radio. When I get my sister on the phone I am telling her "Take cover, take cover now. There is a tornado on the ground, its heading right for you." She hangs up immediately and tells her coworkers.
Still watching the news, waiting for information. My closest friend calls me, she is driving with her children into the heart of one of the worse cells to get her other child. Her radio is out in her car and counting on me to direct her as to the danger. She drives through a dead area and is going to call me right back when she gets on the other side and has cell phone service.
The phone rings again. It's my other sister, she isn't at work today. Her house is in the heart of that cell. She is hearing alarms and bells not sure what they are. I'm telling her to get in the bathroom now, that's the tornado warning system. She goes to her bathroom with a pillow to cover her head. She starts crying, she's scared. I'm not going to get off of the phone with her, trying to talk her through this. She begins to get hysterical yelling "Oh my God! Oh my God!" "what's going on? What's wrong?" I ask
"There are two forming right outside my back window, Oh God!" she says
"Get in the damn bathroom now!" I'm yelling
"I am in the bathroom, I can see it through the back door."
"Shut the frigging bathroom door, if the glass door busts its coming right to you. Shut the God damn door!" I tell her.
She shuts the door. She begins to panic. Not being able to see it coming is causing her to be irrational. She begins to yell "I cant do this. Oh God, I cant stay in here. I cant breathe."
"You don't have a choice, you stay in that bathroom damn it!" I'm screaming now.
The phone goes dead.
My power goes out.
I don't know if my sister is ok.
I cant direct my friend who is counting on me.
I can do nothing.
It was a little over an hour before I got power and found you my sister is ok. It was even longer before I found out my friend and her children were ok. The town is in devastation. The news is saying there were several tornados ranging from a category 1 all the way to a 4. We were all very lucky.
Still watching the news, waiting for information. My closest friend calls me, she is driving with her children into the heart of one of the worse cells to get her other child. Her radio is out in her car and counting on me to direct her as to the danger. She drives through a dead area and is going to call me right back when she gets on the other side and has cell phone service.
The phone rings again. It's my other sister, she isn't at work today. Her house is in the heart of that cell. She is hearing alarms and bells not sure what they are. I'm telling her to get in the bathroom now, that's the tornado warning system. She goes to her bathroom with a pillow to cover her head. She starts crying, she's scared. I'm not going to get off of the phone with her, trying to talk her through this. She begins to get hysterical yelling "Oh my God! Oh my God!" "what's going on? What's wrong?" I ask
"There are two forming right outside my back window, Oh God!" she says
"Get in the damn bathroom now!" I'm yelling
"I am in the bathroom, I can see it through the back door."
"Shut the frigging bathroom door, if the glass door busts its coming right to you. Shut the God damn door!" I tell her.
She shuts the door. She begins to panic. Not being able to see it coming is causing her to be irrational. She begins to yell "I cant do this. Oh God, I cant stay in here. I cant breathe."
"You don't have a choice, you stay in that bathroom damn it!" I'm screaming now.
The phone goes dead.
My power goes out.
I don't know if my sister is ok.
I cant direct my friend who is counting on me.
I can do nothing.
It was a little over an hour before I got power and found you my sister is ok. It was even longer before I found out my friend and her children were ok. The town is in devastation. The news is saying there were several tornados ranging from a category 1 all the way to a 4. We were all very lucky.
April 01, 2006
A moment
It just doesn't seem that long ago when she was still making mud pies and playing hop scotch. When she was running through the house, her little face smeared with dirt and not a care in the world. I enjoyed the moments of her growing up, I know I did, but now it seems it is all happening so fast that maybe I didn't enjoy it enough. I did think about what it would be like when she got bigger, shopping for prom and her wedding. Nothing could have prepared me.
I took her to pick up the prom gown she had ordered yesterday. It was my first time seeing it as she is so independent that she and her girlfriend went to pick their dresses out together. When she came out of that dressing room nothing could have prepared me for the young woman standing before me. She was a vision, the kind songs and poems are written about. Nothing I say would do justice to the site before me at that moment. For just a split second I saw my little girl with her dirt smeared face giggling and staring up at me. Just as quickly she became this breath taking woman who was standing before me. I cant describe to you all of the emotions that surged through me. There was joy, sadness, pride and an incredible ache deep within my soul. An ache to retake all of the wonderful years I have had with her and lock them in a box so they never age and remain as fresh as the day they happened. An ache that felt as if the shattered remains of my soul would always be missing a piece, the piece my daughter will always hold.
I took her to pick up the prom gown she had ordered yesterday. It was my first time seeing it as she is so independent that she and her girlfriend went to pick their dresses out together. When she came out of that dressing room nothing could have prepared me for the young woman standing before me. She was a vision, the kind songs and poems are written about. Nothing I say would do justice to the site before me at that moment. For just a split second I saw my little girl with her dirt smeared face giggling and staring up at me. Just as quickly she became this breath taking woman who was standing before me. I cant describe to you all of the emotions that surged through me. There was joy, sadness, pride and an incredible ache deep within my soul. An ache to retake all of the wonderful years I have had with her and lock them in a box so they never age and remain as fresh as the day they happened. An ache that felt as if the shattered remains of my soul would always be missing a piece, the piece my daughter will always hold.
March 27, 2006
Hell of a Weekend
I have to tell you, this weekend rocked! We took the boys bowling on Saturday for Boyscouts and had so much fun. Most of the boys had never bowled before so we had the bumpers put up for them. It was so cute, they got so excited everytime it was their turn. While we were there I got to talking with one of the other moms. She mentioned wanting to go play Bingo but not having anyone to play with. I told her I would go, I haven't played in awhile so what the hell. We decided to go ahead and go that night.
I haven't played Bingo in about 4 months and even then I had only been to this bingo hall 4 times. There was a lady there selling little charms that hold your bingo tickets. I never buy these things, I am not a full fledged bingo nut. But this woman came up and told me she was selling them for another lady who used to play there but has been diagnosed with cancer and is really sick from the treatment. She makes these things but since she is so sick now she isn't able to come up and sell them herself. Well there is my sucker button. Say the "C" word and the only thing that can roll out of my mouth is "How much?". Since I was on a budget but still a sucker I spent 3 dollars on this little troll doll that came out of the money I had brought to eat with. By the end of the night I didn't mind at all spending that $3 ... I won the jackpot. I was beside myself, could not believe it, started blubbering. Yes winning $1000 made me act a fool. I am now thinking that I have become one of those women who are going to go play bringing their little lucky charms that nobody can touch with them. Because when I got home I placed the little troll doll on the mantel and nobody can touch her, she's lucky damn it.
I was excited about winning because then we could put more money down on the trip to Greece that we are sending our daughter on. That's a huge relief off of my back. I was informed by my husband that I was not putting all of that money down on the trip, I had to go by some things for myself. His requirements were they couldn't be for the house, the children, the yard or him. That man knows me way to well. So yesterday I was sent out of the house to shop for me. I did and that only fed my incredible weekend. I found this really cute pair of cargo pants and a couple of shirts. Guess what size the pants are? Go ahead guess. They are a 7!!!! A 7 and they are baggy!!!!! I have cut my pants size in HALF.
I haven't played Bingo in about 4 months and even then I had only been to this bingo hall 4 times. There was a lady there selling little charms that hold your bingo tickets. I never buy these things, I am not a full fledged bingo nut. But this woman came up and told me she was selling them for another lady who used to play there but has been diagnosed with cancer and is really sick from the treatment. She makes these things but since she is so sick now she isn't able to come up and sell them herself. Well there is my sucker button. Say the "C" word and the only thing that can roll out of my mouth is "How much?". Since I was on a budget but still a sucker I spent 3 dollars on this little troll doll that came out of the money I had brought to eat with. By the end of the night I didn't mind at all spending that $3 ... I won the jackpot. I was beside myself, could not believe it, started blubbering. Yes winning $1000 made me act a fool. I am now thinking that I have become one of those women who are going to go play bringing their little lucky charms that nobody can touch with them. Because when I got home I placed the little troll doll on the mantel and nobody can touch her, she's lucky damn it.
I was excited about winning because then we could put more money down on the trip to Greece that we are sending our daughter on. That's a huge relief off of my back. I was informed by my husband that I was not putting all of that money down on the trip, I had to go by some things for myself. His requirements were they couldn't be for the house, the children, the yard or him. That man knows me way to well. So yesterday I was sent out of the house to shop for me. I did and that only fed my incredible weekend. I found this really cute pair of cargo pants and a couple of shirts. Guess what size the pants are? Go ahead guess. They are a 7!!!! A 7 and they are baggy!!!!! I have cut my pants size in HALF.
March 21, 2006
Betrayed
I had the unfortunate experience of feeling a deep betrayal yesterday. It was horrible and gut wrenching. What surprises me the most is that it wasn't from my husband, my friends or anyone that I knew. It was complete strangers. How can you feel completely betrayed by absolute strangers? Not just strangers in the street, but strangers you will never come in contact with; ever.
I was watching The Today show, as I do every morning, and it was during one of their segments that the betrayal occurred. They had decided to do an experiment. They took a little girl around the age of 8 and set her on a busy street in the middle of New York City. They then had a man come and pretend to be snatching her. Now, both the girl and the man were aware of the situation, the test was to see if anyone was going to react. The child was good, she kicked and screamed and fought. She would yell over and over "Someone help me, this is not my dad!", fighting the whole time. Do you know that those people kept walking?! They would look back over their shoulders but nobody would do a thing, they didn't even call the police "just in case". They continued this experiment several times. I think it was on the 15th time that they got a reaction. What I found to be ironic was in whom the reaction came from. There were 3 young black men, my guess is their ages ranged from 17 - 19. They walked with confidence and would have fit into a stereotype that would have placed them as a bit rough. I have no doubt these three young men have been followed in stores in fear they would steal something and have probably experienced people walking across the road so they wouldn't have to pass close by them. When they passed by the little girl and the man they kept walking, never looked back but they were listening to what she was saying. They glanced back and forth at eachother several times but none spoke a word. They were approximately 20 - 30 feet from the situation when all of a sudden all three of them dropped what they had and their hands simultaneously, spun around and took off at a dead run toward the man. The moment they turned their demeanor immediately changed, their shoulders hunched and they were on the attack. None of them spoke to the other but they knew what they were doing. The young man who had walked in the middle ran at the "attacker" head on, the man to his right ran around and came at him from behind, the man on his left curved around and came at him from the side. They had surrounded him. The "attacker" immediately let go of the girl taking several quick paces backward and yelled they were on TV. The kids stopped running at him but never continued moving forward, just in case. I cant tell you how much pride I felt at that moment.
Throughout this segment I had been so appalled. They interviewed all of the people involved that had just walked by and the answer was always the same, nobody wanted to get involved. My heart was ripped out of my chest. I can handle making a fool out of myself, I have no problems with that. But I could never face myself in the mirror again knowing a little girl had been snatched and I saw it but didn't do anything out of fear that I was wrong in my assumption. All I could think of was a quote I remember hearing, I think it was George Carlin who said it, "I have been so betrayed by the human race." When the three young men were interviewed they responded by saying they weren't sure what was happening but by what that little girl was saying they weren't going to let it continue. The man who was playing her attacker compared their reaction to a feeling of being surrounded by a pack of wolves. He said it was obvious they fully intended on getting ahold of him. One of the boys just smiled and said "Yeah".
I will never meet those three brave young men. I will never throw my arms around their necks and tell them that they restored my faith in the human race. But they did. I hope someone of importance saw that segment. I hope someone sees that and takes a good hard look at the judgment those boys would have received based on their appearance. I hope things change.
I was watching The Today show, as I do every morning, and it was during one of their segments that the betrayal occurred. They had decided to do an experiment. They took a little girl around the age of 8 and set her on a busy street in the middle of New York City. They then had a man come and pretend to be snatching her. Now, both the girl and the man were aware of the situation, the test was to see if anyone was going to react. The child was good, she kicked and screamed and fought. She would yell over and over "Someone help me, this is not my dad!", fighting the whole time. Do you know that those people kept walking?! They would look back over their shoulders but nobody would do a thing, they didn't even call the police "just in case". They continued this experiment several times. I think it was on the 15th time that they got a reaction. What I found to be ironic was in whom the reaction came from. There were 3 young black men, my guess is their ages ranged from 17 - 19. They walked with confidence and would have fit into a stereotype that would have placed them as a bit rough. I have no doubt these three young men have been followed in stores in fear they would steal something and have probably experienced people walking across the road so they wouldn't have to pass close by them. When they passed by the little girl and the man they kept walking, never looked back but they were listening to what she was saying. They glanced back and forth at eachother several times but none spoke a word. They were approximately 20 - 30 feet from the situation when all of a sudden all three of them dropped what they had and their hands simultaneously, spun around and took off at a dead run toward the man. The moment they turned their demeanor immediately changed, their shoulders hunched and they were on the attack. None of them spoke to the other but they knew what they were doing. The young man who had walked in the middle ran at the "attacker" head on, the man to his right ran around and came at him from behind, the man on his left curved around and came at him from the side. They had surrounded him. The "attacker" immediately let go of the girl taking several quick paces backward and yelled they were on TV. The kids stopped running at him but never continued moving forward, just in case. I cant tell you how much pride I felt at that moment.
Throughout this segment I had been so appalled. They interviewed all of the people involved that had just walked by and the answer was always the same, nobody wanted to get involved. My heart was ripped out of my chest. I can handle making a fool out of myself, I have no problems with that. But I could never face myself in the mirror again knowing a little girl had been snatched and I saw it but didn't do anything out of fear that I was wrong in my assumption. All I could think of was a quote I remember hearing, I think it was George Carlin who said it, "I have been so betrayed by the human race." When the three young men were interviewed they responded by saying they weren't sure what was happening but by what that little girl was saying they weren't going to let it continue. The man who was playing her attacker compared their reaction to a feeling of being surrounded by a pack of wolves. He said it was obvious they fully intended on getting ahold of him. One of the boys just smiled and said "Yeah".
I will never meet those three brave young men. I will never throw my arms around their necks and tell them that they restored my faith in the human race. But they did. I hope someone of importance saw that segment. I hope someone sees that and takes a good hard look at the judgment those boys would have received based on their appearance. I hope things change.
March 17, 2006
Open mouth insert foot
Yesterday I decided to be productive. Last year a friend of mine had come to visit bringing me a grocery bag filled with bulbs. I wanted to plant these flowers, I really did. Seeing as I am still learning to adjust to this whole country life thing and having been born and bred in large cities there are some things I just don't know. As much as I wanted to plant these flowers I had no clue as to which end was up on these little bulbs. Knowing that if I planted them upside down they would never grow and I would have just dug a mud hole for nothing. So, I didn't plant them. Apparently the bag at some point got knocked off of the porch. The other day my sweet, loving little boy came inside clutching the most precious little handful of flowers. "Look what I got for you mom!" He said. I was torn, the mother in me melted but the neighbor in me cringed. All I could think was that I knew those pretty little flowers didn't come from my yard, they had to have come from my anal retentive neighbor whose yard looks like a botanical garden because he has nothing better to do than groom it daily to make the rest of us look like crap. The man mows his yard twice a day with a friggin tractor, stop it. So I asked my little angel where it is he found his new treasure and he informed me they indeed came from my yard. When he showed me where they came from I was floored. My little bag of bulbs had bloomed. What does that mean to me? I now know which end is up.
So on to the true reason for this post. Now knowing which end is up on these bulbs I decide I am going to go ahead and plant them. I dig a large area surrounding my back deck, by myself I may add. I break up all that damn dirt with my shovel, smooth it out with a rake, dig careful little holes and plant my precious little flowers. By the end of the day my back is aching a bit from all of the hard work I did...By myself. My husband realizes that I don't feel like cooking dinner and offers to take us out, sounds good to me. While we are at dinner I am telling my husband about how this getting old shit is for the birds, my back is killing me. He then informs me that its only that my body isn't conditioned for that kind of physical labor and maybe I should work up to big projects rather than jumping in so my body wont hurt so badly.
"I planted a few friggin flowers I didn't dig a pool."
"You know what I mean, baby."
"Not really, right about now if I go with what I think your trying to say your about to wear your dinner."
"Baby, I didn't mean it bad. I was just saying, well, like when you started walking the dog everyday it made you really sore at first."
"Your about to walk home."
"Well, I walk a lot every day I'm conditioned to it." (laughing)
"You think I'm playing?"
"Honey, don't be that way. Your taking this all wrong." (he starts to say something else but I cut him off)
"There is absolutely nothing you can say to make this better aside from 'honey I'm an ass and don't know how you put up with me'. "
"I'm an ass and don't know how you put up with me."
His admission is the only thing that got him a ride home as I was still considering letting him walk. When we got in the bed to go to sleep he snuggled up to me and said, "It has occurred to me that you took what I said as a reflection on the physical shape you are in."
"You think?"
"Well, you took it wrong, you are looking great. You have lost so much weight and look so good. You have been sticking to a work out routine longer than I could even dream of trying. You eat right which we both know I cant do. What I meant was your back wasn't used to being hunched over all the time and in the future let me help you so that way your back doesn't hurt."
"Your still an ass."
"I know."
Then he kissed my shoulder and we went to sleep. I love him but sometimes he should really think before his gums start flapping.
So on to the true reason for this post. Now knowing which end is up on these bulbs I decide I am going to go ahead and plant them. I dig a large area surrounding my back deck, by myself I may add. I break up all that damn dirt with my shovel, smooth it out with a rake, dig careful little holes and plant my precious little flowers. By the end of the day my back is aching a bit from all of the hard work I did...By myself. My husband realizes that I don't feel like cooking dinner and offers to take us out, sounds good to me. While we are at dinner I am telling my husband about how this getting old shit is for the birds, my back is killing me. He then informs me that its only that my body isn't conditioned for that kind of physical labor and maybe I should work up to big projects rather than jumping in so my body wont hurt so badly.
"I planted a few friggin flowers I didn't dig a pool."
"You know what I mean, baby."
"Not really, right about now if I go with what I think your trying to say your about to wear your dinner."
"Baby, I didn't mean it bad. I was just saying, well, like when you started walking the dog everyday it made you really sore at first."
"Your about to walk home."
"Well, I walk a lot every day I'm conditioned to it." (laughing)
"You think I'm playing?"
"Honey, don't be that way. Your taking this all wrong." (he starts to say something else but I cut him off)
"There is absolutely nothing you can say to make this better aside from 'honey I'm an ass and don't know how you put up with me'. "
"I'm an ass and don't know how you put up with me."
His admission is the only thing that got him a ride home as I was still considering letting him walk. When we got in the bed to go to sleep he snuggled up to me and said, "It has occurred to me that you took what I said as a reflection on the physical shape you are in."
"You think?"
"Well, you took it wrong, you are looking great. You have lost so much weight and look so good. You have been sticking to a work out routine longer than I could even dream of trying. You eat right which we both know I cant do. What I meant was your back wasn't used to being hunched over all the time and in the future let me help you so that way your back doesn't hurt."
"Your still an ass."
"I know."
Then he kissed my shoulder and we went to sleep. I love him but sometimes he should really think before his gums start flapping.
March 16, 2006
Just say no
I do believe that I have figured it out. You see, originally I believed that my children were trying to kill me. Wanting to travel to far off lands and do crazy things like go to college causing their mother to suffer undue heart failure. I no longer think it is an attempt to cause my death, I believe the problem to be drugs. My daughter must be doing them, for this she is grounded. In order to understand where I am coming from you need to know the conversation that occurred a couple of days ago...
my daughter: "How does it feel to have a child getting ready to graduate? Are you feeling old yet?"
me: "Actually it feels really good, I'm so proud of you."
my daughter: "You know, the girls and I have been talking and I think I have my summer planned. I am going to be so busy!"
me: "Yes you are. You have college to get ready and go off to, plus the trip to Greece and going home to visit your grandparents."
my daughter: "Oh yeah, I forgot about visiting Grandma and Grandaddy."
me: "What did you think you were going to do?"
my drugged out child: "Well the trip to Greece plus the girls and I are going to Florida for a week and we would like to try and go to Costa Rica for a week as our Senior Trip."
me: "Your grounded."
druggy: "I am not! For what?"
me: "I told you not to do drugs."
druggy: "I'm not doing drugs. Mom, I will be 18 I can go if I want to."
me: "that's exactly why your not going, because you think 18 is grown and it's not. Hell, you will be lucky if your little butt makes it to the stop sign."
druggy (laughing): "You cant stop me from going mom."
me (laughing): "Keep thinking that. I think you should discuss this with your dad."
When her father returned home from work she did discuss it with him and that turned into the funniest conversation I have ever heard. My daughter is officially mortified because she realized just how serious her dad was. He informed her she was welcome to go to Florida, that we would have a great time. Of course, she said we weren't invited. SO he quickly pointed out how he makes a lot more money than she does and has vacation time, he can go where he wants to. He then added that it would probably be a lot more fun for all if he looked into getting one of those thong bathing suits for himself. Her response to this? "You wouldn't?!" He just smiled and said "Try me."
I love that man.
my daughter: "How does it feel to have a child getting ready to graduate? Are you feeling old yet?"
me: "Actually it feels really good, I'm so proud of you."
my daughter: "You know, the girls and I have been talking and I think I have my summer planned. I am going to be so busy!"
me: "Yes you are. You have college to get ready and go off to, plus the trip to Greece and going home to visit your grandparents."
my daughter: "Oh yeah, I forgot about visiting Grandma and Grandaddy."
me: "What did you think you were going to do?"
my drugged out child: "Well the trip to Greece plus the girls and I are going to Florida for a week and we would like to try and go to Costa Rica for a week as our Senior Trip."
me: "Your grounded."
druggy: "I am not! For what?"
me: "I told you not to do drugs."
druggy: "I'm not doing drugs. Mom, I will be 18 I can go if I want to."
me: "that's exactly why your not going, because you think 18 is grown and it's not. Hell, you will be lucky if your little butt makes it to the stop sign."
druggy (laughing): "You cant stop me from going mom."
me (laughing): "Keep thinking that. I think you should discuss this with your dad."
When her father returned home from work she did discuss it with him and that turned into the funniest conversation I have ever heard. My daughter is officially mortified because she realized just how serious her dad was. He informed her she was welcome to go to Florida, that we would have a great time. Of course, she said we weren't invited. SO he quickly pointed out how he makes a lot more money than she does and has vacation time, he can go where he wants to. He then added that it would probably be a lot more fun for all if he looked into getting one of those thong bathing suits for himself. Her response to this? "You wouldn't?!" He just smiled and said "Try me."
I love that man.
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